Humor #820

Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

Little Johnny’s father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny. “You could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

—–

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, ”Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

”Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, ”I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”

—–

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!”

—–

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where?”

Humor #819

HOMILIES TO LIVE BY…

  • Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
  • I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
  • According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
  • There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Humor #818

“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf.”

“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”

—–

Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I’d have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.

Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.

“You won’t believe this,” she said, “but there’s a guy on the radio with the same problem!”

—–

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.

It was the pair on the ground.

—–

I work in a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer service representatives reminds shoppers over the public address system to finish their shopping.

One evening, a woman who had recently worked at Kmart opened the announcement by saying, “Attention Kmart shoppers…” Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, “…you are in the wrong store.”

Humor #817

IN A PERFECT WORLD…

  • You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
  • Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
  • Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
  • Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
  • People would always see good reasons to be optimistic.
  • You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
  • The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
  • Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
  • If the guy from the government said to you, “I’m here to help,” not only would he mean it, but also he’d do it.
  • First impressions wouldn’t count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
  • All people could expect to be accepted.
  • Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, “Go back and slam the door.”
  • Highway patrolmen would never be around when you’re running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won’t get off your bumper.
  • The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
  • Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
  • More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.

Humor #816

Note: I am now publishing on the 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th & 25th of each month

I have become more optimistic and now believe that things could get worse.

—–

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.

“This man,” he announced, “Called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

“Wow,” he said. “Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

—–

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.

The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.

“It’s no use,” Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

—–

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The class used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?”

He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She said she can’t feel her legs!”

Humor #815

I don’t always go the extra mile…

But when I do, it’s because I missed my exit!

—–

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares!

—–

Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of “hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup.”

They summoned a waiter to complain.

Their waiters looked at the menu. Then he threw it down and yelled to the owner in the kitchen, “Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!”

—–

A mom was carpooling her Sarah and friend Melanie to Hebrew School one day when she caught wind of the conversation between the two six-year-olds in the back seat…

Melanie, “Our family is kosher”

Sarah, “What’s kosher?”

Melanie, “That’s when you can’t have cheese with your ham sandwich!!”

Humor #814

Hymns for Professionals

•           DENTIST: Crown Him with many crowns

•           CONTRACTORS: The church’s one foundation

•           OBSTETRICIANS: Come, labour on

•           GOLFERS: There is a green hill far away

•           POLITICIANS: Standing on the promises

•           LIBRARIANS: Let all mortal flesh keep silence

•           LAWYERS: In the hour of trial

•           DRY CLEANERS: O for a faith that will not shrink

•           CREDIT CARD USERS: A charge to keep have I

•           CENSUS TAKERS: All people that on earth do dwell

•           TRAFFIC ENGINEERS: Where cross the crowded ways of life

•           TAXATION OFFICERS: We give thee but thine own

Humor #813

A customer at a restaurant summoned the waiter and said angrily, “Look at the size of this piece of beef. Last evening, I received a piece more than twice its size!”

“Where did you sit?” asked the waiter.

“By the window. Why does that matter?”

“Well, that explains it. We always serve larger portions to customers sitting by the window. It’s good advertising.”

—–

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

—–

Them: “Why do you always carry a knife?”

Me: “The last time I tried to open a bag of chips with a 9mm, things didn’t go so well.”

—–

Pandemonium Strikes Again

When the ice-maker on our refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the local hardware to find the part. Because the sun was so bright that day and the interior of the store was dark, his eyes hadn’t quite adjusted when he walked in. He accidentally stepped on the foot of a woman examining some samples. She screamed, causing my husband to jump sideways into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service desk, and as he put his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl of marbles, scattering them everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, “My refrigerator doesn’t work.”

She replied, simply, “I don’t doubt it.”

Humor #812

Note: Starting this month I am switching to publishing on the 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th & 25th of each month

 Why do we love children?

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..’

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now She’s hitting the bottle.

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.

‘It sure is,’ I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’

‘And why not, darling?’

‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

Humor #811

Note: Starting this month I am switching to publishing on the 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th & 25th of each month

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

Its called On & On Anon.

—–

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience.

The man said, “Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew.”

“Really?” said the ringmaster. “Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?”

“Yes he did,” the man replied.

“And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?”

“Yes he did,” the man replied.

“And have you ever stuck your head in a lion’s mouth?”

“Just once,” the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, “Why only once?”

The man said, “I was looking for my father.”

—–

During tryouts for one of the chorus positions in the upcoming musical The Sound of Music, one of the girls told the judges, “Mother says I sing beautifully.”

The judge replied, “Bring me a recommendation from your neighbors and I’ll give you a tryout.”

—–

A hog farmer decided to give names to his new piglets. Two of them were always getting into mischief.

His wife asked what names he was giving this pair.

He answered sharply, “Hamfull and Mayham!”

—–