Humor #797

Question: What is Love?

Answer: The light of Life!

Question: What is Marriage?

Answer: The Bill for that Light!

—–

Alex to his friend Francis: “Yesterday was my wife’s birthday, and I asked her, ‘What gift would you like to have?’”

Francis : “What did she say?”

Alex: “She said, ‘Give me anything which has diamonds in it.’”

Francis: “So what did you give her?”

Alex: “A deck of playing cards.”

—–

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.

My wife frantically swept through my daughter’s room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.

On one side it said, “Families are Forever.”

And on the other, “Be Smart, Don’t Start.”

—–

My wife’s family and I were at a college football game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece Madison looked up at my wife and innocently asked, “Is that God talking?”

Humor #796

Short Ones

Nigerian man found dead in his apartment with $45 million in cash. He spent the last 10 years trying to share it, but no one replied to his emails.

My wife told me she didn’t understand the science behind cloning. I replied, “That makes two of us.”

A short nap once in awhile can prevent old age… especially while driving.

Why is it you never hear of someone doing something out of an UNDER abundance of caution?

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.

The English Language is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. But I couldn’t find any.

I’m single by choice; Someone else’s choice.

Humor #795

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother’s wedding dress.

The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother’s eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

“You’re not losing a daughter,” I reminded her in time-honored fashion. “You’re gaining a son.”

“Oh, forget about that!” she said with a sob. “I used to fit into that dress!”

—–

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

– Jerry Seinfeld

—–

Teacher: What is a synonym?

Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other!

—–

Retired…

Under new management…

See spouse for details!

—–

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

Humor #794

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.

She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

—–

A dentist was about to leave his office with his golf bag on his shoulder, when the phone rang.

“Doctor,” the caller said, “I have a terrible toothache. Can I stop by your office in a few minutes?”

“Sorry,” replied the dentist, “but I have a previous appointment to fill eighteen cavities this afternoon.”

—–

Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, “Why didn’t you tell me I was lost?”

“I thought you knew where you were going,” he replied. “You always know where you’re going when I’m driving.”

—–

A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister.

The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. “If you break a window,” he said, “and then place a piece of plywood over the hole — that’s a substitute.”

After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: “You were no substitute. You were a real pane!”

Humor #793

Boyfriend: Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Robert. I don’t have a mansion like Gary. I don’t have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.

Girlfriend: Oh dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?

—–

A stranded motorist knocked on the door of an inn named “George and the Dragon.”

“Could you spare a poor stranded motorist a bite to eat?” he asked the woman who answered the door.

“No!” she screamed, slamming the door.

A few seconds later he knocked again. The same woman answered the door.

“Could I please have a bite to eat?” he asked again.

“Get out, you good-for-nothing!” shouted the woman. “And don’t you ever come back!”

After a few minutes there’s another knock at the door. The woman comes to the door.

“Pardon,” said the motorist, “but could I have a few words with George this time?”

—–

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding.

My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, “It’s a good thing she’s not from Idaho.”

—–

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

“This year,” she says, “I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me.”

The daughter nods in agreement.

“And I think this fur coat would be perfect too,” the mother continued.

The daughter protests, “But mom, some poor, helpless creature had to suffer so that you can have this.”

“Don’t worry Honey,” says the mother, “your father won’t get the bill for a couple of weeks.”

—–

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize that I’d been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.

“I’m usually very careful about my speed,” I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.

The officer studied it and then gave it back. “Sir,” he said gruffly, “this is not your registration.”

Apparently I had handed him a warning ticket that I had received for speeding in South Carolina.

Humor #792

My son was recently learning the Ten Commandments when he attended a cub scout den meeting. That evening, his den leader was discussing citizenship. He asked the cubs to name some of the different laws we have in our society.

One cub raised his hand and said, “You’re not supposed to steal!”

Another boy raised his hand and blurted out, “You’re not supposed to kill anyone!”

Finally, my son raised his hand and said, “You’re not supposed to commit adultery!”

—–

A high school student stared thoughtfully at the second question on his exam, which read, “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of America in any given year.”

Suddenly, his brow cleared, and he wrote, “1492: None.”

—–

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so that’s what I did.”

—–

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he said.

“Then I’ll come home and eat!” bravely declared the child.

“And what if you run out of money?”

“I will come home and get some!” readily replied the child.

The man made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”

“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home; he’s going off to college.”

Humor #791

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a new computer instead.

During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, “Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”

Dave then got down on bended knee.

“Honey,” he said, “will you buy me a new computer?”

—–

Wife: “I am going out for two hours. Do you want anything?”

Husband: “No, that’s enough.”

—–

Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes but he told the warden he wasn’t worried at all about serving his full term.

The warden asked him why, since most prisoners immediately start planning how they can get out early.

Jimmy replied, “Well, my wife has never let me finish a sentence the whole time I’ve been married!”

—–

“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life…

Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

Humor #790

You’ve heard of Murphy’s famous law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.

There are many other related laws. Here are a few:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. –Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren’t. –Beach’s Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. –Anthony’s Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. –Tussman’s Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. –Lowery’s Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem. –Peer’s Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. –William’s Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:

1. If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s Biology.

2. If it stinks, it’s Chemistry.

3. If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.

Machines should work. People should think. –IBM’s Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage – management. –The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. –Ehrlich’s Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. –Ralph’s Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. –Cannon’s Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage. –Cole’s Law

Humor #789

Set your Wi-Fi password to 2444666668888888.

So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678

—–

I wished my wife a Happy Birthday this morning and then joked, “The clown and the pony will be here a bit later!”

She responded, “Don’t worry, I’ve been sheltering-in-place with the clown for almost a year now.”

—–

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair, and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, “Just because I reported him missing doesn’t mean I want him back!”

—–

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver…

Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!

Humor #788

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news, “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979!”

“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.

“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac!”

—–

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”

—–

A rather tall, large man was in the grocery store one day waiting in line to check out. A lady and her young boy were in line behind him.

While he was standing in line his watch alarm started to go off.

The little boy looked up at his mom and said, “Mom, you better watch out! That big man is backing up.”

—–

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.” Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it.

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”

—–

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your twin brother forgets your birthday.

—–

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home because he was performing an appendectomy.

“My,” said the census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?”

“Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!”