Humor #487

A guy drove to the beach and parked his car close to the water’s edge – not realizing it was Low Tide – then he went for a long hike up into the mountains. During his excursion, High Tide came and then receded – completely submersing his car for a period of time in the process. When he finally returned to his car – he became very concerned when he found out that he had Tuna in his Mercury!

—–

A man bought a new boat and asked his wife what he should name it. She said, “Name it after me.” The next time she saw the boat, it had “After Me” on the back of it.

 —–

 

 At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army

doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

 —–

Here’s hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

—–

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.  “What’s the matter?” he was asked.

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me.  She was talking to the doctor!”

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Humor #486

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.”

The Guarneri family soon followed suit and put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.”

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: “We make the best violins on the block.”

—–

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them “Veal Parmigiana” or “Turkey Loaf” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

If you look in my freezer you’ll see “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” and, my favorite, “Food.”

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I’m certain to have what he wants.”

—–

A minister was doing story time in Sunday school, talking about the good shepherd.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren’t smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd’s job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, “If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?” He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed.  Then a young visitor said, ” Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd.”

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, “Well, then, who am I?”

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, “I guess you must be a sheep dog.”

—–

Groaner: The Incredible Jungle Bungle

 

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?” A

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”

—–

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.  He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion.  By this time he had learned just the right things to say.  “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed.  “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out.  “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

Humor #485

The Law of Parenthood

There is the Law of Gravity – and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

– A child’s behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

– Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

– The choice of a preschooler’s best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

– A child’s enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent’s enjoyment.

– The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

– A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

– The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

Humor #484

Observations on Growing Older

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them…but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”… they add “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything… movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names …. but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys–than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything …. especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that, you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep.”

~Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married… Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words … “what?”…”when?”… ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s now not safe to wear it.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 p.m.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired …. you’d give anything if he’d find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet…2 of which you will never wear.

Humor #483

happynewyearfireworkspompomlots

ATTAINABLE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

This year, I resolve to…

– Procrastinate

– Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising; waste of time.

– Read less; makes you think.

– Watch more TV; I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Don’t have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted.  Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Don’t eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Don’t believe politicians.

– Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Humor #482

happynewyearfireworkspompomlots

(A repost as we think of our New Year’s resolutions to exercise.)

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY EXERCISES

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing my pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around

07) Dragging my heels

08) Pushing my luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

Humor # 481

****JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH****

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl

Whispered to her mother,

‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color

Of happiness,

And today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said,

‘So why is the groom wearing black?’

—–

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about

Their fathers.

The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words

On a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,

They give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad

Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,

He calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad

Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,

He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to

Collect all the money!’

—–

An elderly woman died last month.

Having never married, she requested no male

Pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial

Service, she wrote,

‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive,

I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’

—–

A police recruit was asked during the exam,

‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own

Mother?’

He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

—–

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why

Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .

A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’

—–

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

With her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘Honour thy

Father and thy mother,’ she asked,

‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to

Treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,

‘Thou shall not kill..’

—–

At Sunday School they were teaching how God

Created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they

Told him

How Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying

Down as though he were ill,

And she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little

Johnny responded,

‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have

A wife.’

—–

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old..

You grow old because you stop laughing!