Humor #447

The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:

  1. “Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
  2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
  3. “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
  4. “Applicant asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
  5. “Applicant announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”
  6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
  7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
  8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
  9. “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
  10. “Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
  11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
  12. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

13. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any farther.”

Humor #446

A couple of goobers in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.

One of them walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, he returned to the office and said,

“A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

—–

USEFUL WORK CULTURE TIPS

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.

People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria.

People with a newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom.

Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

—–

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

—–

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “You’re in luck — two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker.”

The man quickly responds, “The attorney’s.”

The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”

The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s heart!”

Humor #445

PHRASES OF WISDOM

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world

Humor #444

If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture!
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention!
If an explorer makes a mistake,
It’s a new discovery!
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident!
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law!
If a professor makes a mistake,
It is a new theory!
If a hairstylist makes a mistake,
It’s a new style!
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion!
If parents make a mistake,
It is a new generation!
If the boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake!
If an employee makes a mistake,
Now, *that* is a “MISTAKE!”

Humor #443

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.
“He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”
“He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”
—–
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, “You have a cute baby.”
Smiling, I said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies are really good-looking.”
“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.
“He looks just like you.”
—–
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.
The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.
“Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.
“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: “Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”
—–
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.”
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.
The driver replied, “Will the saints in Heaven forgive me — it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

 

Humorr #442

WHY TEACHERS GO GRAY
These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Humor #441

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.

“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

—–

 We’ve always tried to instill in our children God’s desire that they respect and obey their parents. One morning, following an evening of explaining the Golden Rule to my preschool daughter, Katie, I quizzed her.

“What’s the Golden Rule?” I asked.

With a look of exasperation she replied, “I know, I know. You’re the mommy!”

—–

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, “Okay, I’m ready to hear the evidence…I’ll hear the oldest first.”

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

—–

A man, responsible for the overall closing of a military base, was reviewing voluminous files. He found some old records that were of no possible value and sent a letter to Washington requesting permission to destroy them.

The reply he received read as follows: “Permission is given to destroy the records, but please make triplicate copies of them first.”

—–

 A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”

“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”