Humor #518

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, “What’s your name?”

He answered, “Shut Up.”

He asked again “What’s your name?”

“Shut Up.”

The police officer asked, “Are you looking for trouble?!”

“Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago.”

—–

 A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”

He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.” She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She answers, “Your horse called.”

 —–

 A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy’s. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse. The sales clerk asks, “Do you always carry your TV remote?”

 “No.” the woman says, “But my husband refused to come shopping with me today. I figured this was a great way to pay him back.”

—–

 A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of.”

 “Ok,” says the bartender. “How ’bout ‘Blue Moon’?” The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. “That’s amazing,” says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.

 “I’ll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to.” “Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You’re on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner.” The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.

 As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, “I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000.” The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.

 The bartender said “What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!”

 The man said “Oh, the iguana can’t sing. The frog’s a ventriloquist.”

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Humor #517

Modern Medicine

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier…

St. Mom’s Wort — Plant extract that treats Mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen — Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait til they moved out.

Flipitor — Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics — When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin — Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person…”

Buyagra — Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all — Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin — Relieves the headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident — A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Ragaman — When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Humor #516

The executive officer of the unit where I worked in the National Guard Armory went to a government office to take care of some business.

The clerk there gave him two index cards with identical questions on them. The officer filled both out, but when he handed them in, he asked the clerk why she needed two cards with the same information.

Stapling the cards together, she said, “That’s in case we lose one.”

—–

 An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children’s message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, “You see each one of you is a little pane.” And then pointing to each child, “You’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And…”

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

—–

 Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

 “I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced Blonde #1.

 “Do what?” asked Blonde #2. 

 ” Send my yard out to be mowed.”

—–

Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.

“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said. “It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of  $15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”

The priest smiled broadly. “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”

Humor #515

Three nature lovers went for a drive into the mountains one day to see if they could spot some bears. They wanted to take pictures of bears for their photo album. So they drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a curve, they spotted a sign that read, “BEAR LEFT.”

So they turned around and went home.

 —–

 Flipping through our children’s Bible, I pointed to a picture of Jesus surrounded by his disciples and asked my daughter to explain the story in her own words. Looking at it, she said, “Mommy, this is a story about Jesus. And here are all his disciples—Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, and Romans!”

—–

 In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian’s office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher’s yearly vaccine.

“Will you be bringing him in yourself,” asked the receptionist, “or will he come on his own?”

—–

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “Where have ya been?”

” Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” Slurs the drunk.

” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.

“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

 —–

Humor #514

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other’s case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant’s table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. “I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!”, he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, “This is the second such case we’ve had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!” 

 —–

An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned. “I can’t make out this comment you wrote on my paper.” , he said

The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied,

“It says that you should write more legibly!”

—–

The Blonde reported for her university final examination which consisted of “yes/no” type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall and stared at the question paper for five minutes.

In a fit of inspiration, she took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was all done, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was, “I finished the exam in half an hour, but I’m rechecking my answers.”

 —–

 After our friends were married, they left the church and were disappointed to see that their car looked completely normal. No one had decorated it with “Just Married” signs or tin cans or balloons or anything at all.

“Disappointed” was not, however, the word used by the priest who married them.

His car was very similar in make, model, and color as the groom’s vehicle.

Humor #513

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

—–

Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

“Is this some kind of mistake?” Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

“No, not at all,” the doctor said calmly.

“Well,” said Jill, “that’s awfully costly for knocking someone out.”

“Not at all,” replied the doctor. “I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around.”

—–

 There once was a fellow from Yuma,

Who told an elephant joke to a Puma.

Now his skeleton lies

Under hot Western skies.

The Puma had no sense of huma!

—–

On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I’d recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. “We’re in trouble!” He said. “We’re out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth.”

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn’t allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I’d left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss.

“Where are the quarters?” He asked.

“Right here,” I said breathlessly.

His face sank. “I meant chicken quarters.”

Humor #512

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, “You are wrong. That’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

—-

A physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

Be still, my heart, she thought, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

 —–

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.

Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.

“What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling.

“I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”

—–

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said.  Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”

The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”

—–

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife,” said the man.