Humor #772

I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year.

Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage!

—–

My friend’s preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank.

Waiting in line at the teller’s window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, “My children are in their 20s, and I’m still giving them money. When does it end?”

“I’m not sure I’m the one to ask,” the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, “I’m here to deposit a check from my mother.”

—–

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words “Rough Road.”

—–

Seeing a homeless guy begging on the street, a woman took pity on him and gave him a handful of change.

“Thank you,” said the homeless man. “Your generosity is much appreciated. You know my life used to be great, but just look at the state of me now.”

“How do you mean?” asked the woman.

“Well,” he explained. “I was a multi-millionaire. I had bank accounts all over the world with hundreds of thousands of dollars deposited in each.”

“So where did it all go wrong?” she asked.

The homeless man sighed, “I forgot my mother’s maiden name.”

Humor #771

A old-time farmer finally decided to buy a TV.  The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel.

The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain.

The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.

The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

Humor #770

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”

Me: “Certainly, what width?”

Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Scissors?”

—–

When he was four, my grandson Jacob could hardly wait for his first day of school. That morning he waited anxiously with his mother, Katherine, for the bus to arrive.

The bus arrived and he started up the steps to get on. He heard his mom say something just as he passed the bus driver. With tears in her eyes, Katherine said, “What about a kiss?”

Jacob stopped, retraced a few steps, then promptly kissed the bus driver before he took a seat.

—–

A lawyer named Strange passed away. His friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for a passerby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However, he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, “That’s Strange.”

—–

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, “My name is Henry Davis, can you please tell me what room I am in?”

“Certainly,” said the clerk. “You’re in the lobby.”

Humor #769

My GPS just told me to turn around…

Now I can’t see where I’m driving.

—–

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. “Do you watch much television here?”

“Only the daytime shows,” the inmate said. “At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television.”

“That’s too bad,” the reporter said. “But I do think it’s nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime.”

“What do you mean, nice?” the inmate said. “That’s part of the punishment.”

—–

A sailor didn’t like anything he saw in the mess/food line, so he just picked up a large piece of chocolate cake. The cook asked, “Is that all you’re gonna eat?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, the rest of it doesn’t look too appetizing.”

The cook smiled and said, “Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it!”

The cook leaned over and cut the sailor’s piece of cake in half.

—–

Several years ago there was an office intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use the copier machine paper,” she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

—–

Humor #768

The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

—–

To my friend’s astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grandfather got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.

“Why, Grandfather,” my friend said, “you’ve been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?”

The old man smiled slyly. “Wasn’t exactly lost,” he admitted. “I just got tired of walking.”

—–

My daughter’s third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled “My Biggest Surprise.”

Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina’s work. It read: “I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy’s bed and hopped in. But it wasn’t Mommy at all.

It was Mrs. Del Campo!”

What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.

—–

A man found a magic lamp with a genie who offered him three wishes.

“For my first wish,” he said, “I’d like to be rich.”

“Okay, Rich,” the genie replied, “what’s your second wish?”

Humor #767

Teacher: “Little Johnny, please spell the word ‘pole’.”

Little Johnny: “P-O-L.”

Teacher: “But what is at the end of it?”

Little Johnny: “Electrical Wires, but I can’t spell that yet.”

—–

A tourist was driving on a back road in Arkansas during a heavy rainstorm. He passed a cabin with a man sitting on the porch playing his fiddle.

“Why don’t you go inside on this rainy day?” the tourist asked.

“Because the roof leaks,” answered the fiddler.

“Well, then, why don’t you fix the roof?”

“Can’t fix a roof when it’s raining,” the fiddler answered.

“So, why don’t you fix the roof on a sunny day?”

“‘Cause the roof don’t leak on sunny days!” replied the fiddler.

—–

My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, “You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel.”

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied,

“Yes, darling, I know. That’s why I married a college graduate.”

—–

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.

She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war.

“We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.”

“Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?” I asked.

“Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.”

Humor #766

Cold Winter?

It was autumn, and the Cree members in their remote territory asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he had been raised away from his culture and traditions, he had never been taught the old secrets so he had no idea what to do.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied.  “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Cree are collecting wood like crazy.”

Humor #765

HELPFUL HINTS

 1.  Clumsy?  Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables get someone else to hold them while you chop away.

2.  High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

3.  A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

4.  If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

5.  Have a bad tooth ache?  Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

6.  And most helpful of all – DO NOT TRY ANY OF THE ABOVE HINTS.

Humor #764

The Law of Parenthood

There is the Law of Gravity – and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

– A child’s behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

– Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

– The choice of a preschooler’s best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

– A child’s enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent’s enjoyment.

– The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

– A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

– The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

Humor #763

Auntie Gladys bought herself a new rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for a spin, but after only half a mile, the car broke down.

Both women got out and opened up the front of the car. “Oh, Gladys,” said her friend, “you’ve lost your engine!”

“Never mind, dear,” said auntie. “I’ve got a spare one in the trunk.”

—–

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.

The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

—–

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

—–

A football fan’s wife says, “I hate it when my husband calls leftovers ‘Replays’.”

A TV Executive’s wife says, “Well my husband calls them ‘Reruns’.”

Mortician’s wife says, “Count yourselves lucky, my husband calls them remains!”