Humor #532

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:

“First Question: Which tire was flat?”

 —–

My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said “At the end of this ruler there’s an idiot.”

I got detention after asking which end.

—–

 A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?”

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix ’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

 —–

 A man went to his doctor complaining about having weird dreams. “Doc, I keep having these bad dreams. One night I’m a wigwam, the next I’m a teepee, wigwam, teepee every night. Am I going crazy?”

The doctor replied, “No, you’ll be just fine. You’re just too tense.”

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Humor #531

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. “Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

—–

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why.  With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.  She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were.  It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on.  She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”  She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to.  Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots.  My Mom made me wear them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I tuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

—–

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

 —–

 Off the coast of Newfoundland, a great many fishermen do their fishing at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails, and shipwrecks are the result.

The Department of Fisheries was reviewing statistics one day and was shocked to discover how many shipwrecks there were during night fishing. When they discovered that the fishermen were navigating by the light of the moon, they promptly installed buoys near all the dangerous shoals and reefs to aid night navigation. To their surprise, when the statistics came in the following month, the shipwrecks had tripled! The buoys were removed, and things returned to normal.

The moral of the story: You can’t send a buoy to do a moon’s job!

Humor #530

A young man, living away from home, writes to his parents…

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son, Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.

 

A few days later, he received a letter from his father. It said…

Dear son,

Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came.

—–

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him.”

—–

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

“Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.

“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

“Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”

 —–

It was the toughest experience of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.  Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.  I completely lost my memory for a while.  I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office.  The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.

I don’t know how I pulled through it.  It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

Humor #529

 A man walks into a health-food restaurant after a day at the office, sits down, and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies.

He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the cash register while he’s waiting for his order, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, “That’s a beautiful tie. Is that silk? Very NICE choice!”

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn’t see anyone near him who could’ve been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears a voice, “Those shoes are stylin,’ my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!”

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little weirded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, “That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!”

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, “Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look. What’s up with that? Am I going CRAZY?”

“Oh,” the waiter nonchalantly replies, “those are just the peanuts.”

“The PEANUTS?” the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

“Yes,” replies the waiter, “they’re complimentary!”

—–

Some of my co-workers and I decided to remove the small, wooden suggestion box from our office because it had received so few entries. We stuck the box on top of a seven-foot-high metal storage cabinet and then promptly forgot about it.

Months later, when the box was moved during remodeling, we found a single slip of paper inside. The suggestion read, “Lower the box!”

—–

 A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down, and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z, and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.

Without hesitation he replied, “Consonants.”

—–

 A little boy was upset with his parents’ financial situation, so he decided to write God a letter:

Dear God,

My mommy and daddy need $500 for bills, and I don’t know who else to ask. Could You please help?

Johnny

The letter was received by the local post office and put in the “dead letters” pile. The clerk, being curious of the letter addressed to God, opened it to see what it said. As you can imagine, he was touched by the letter and decided to help. He asked all his fellow workers to “chip-in” a few dollars to help a family in need. When all the money was collected, it came to $300. The clerk sent a money order in an official Post Office envelope with the return address simply: God.

Several weeks later the same clerk found another letter addressed to God in the same writing. The letter said:

Dear God,

Thank you for the $300, but next time don’t use the Post Office. They have a $200 service charge.

Johnny

Humor #528

 For those of you who received a book from me for Christmas, they are due back to the Library on Tuesday.

—–

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.”

 —–

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he’s in luck, there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.  The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.  He asks the delivery man, “What on earth did you put on this pizza?”

The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.”

 —–

A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on my secret: Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asks.

“Only $4 apiece,” says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough of them,” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.

“Hey, Green,” he says, “you’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”

 

Humor #527

Bumper Stickers…..

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Forget World Peace — Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There’s A Will…I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven’t Lost My Mind – It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Humor #526

I am a college student studying for my bachelor’s degree. For my English class we are reading part of Walden and writing about it. I hope I covered everything. I tried to be Thoreau.

 —–

 A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH, MY G-D!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

 —–

 An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink?

“Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.

—–

 A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch “before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.

After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him “pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts.” The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.

After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch “before the trouble starts.” The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.

Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: “Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?” To which the man replies: “The trouble starts, when you find out that I don’t have any money.”