Humor #641

Observations on Growing Older #2

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that, you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep.”

~Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married… Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words … “what?”…”when?”… ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s now not safe to wear it.

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Humor #640

Observations on Growing Older #1

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them…but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”… they add “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything… movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names …. but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys–than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything …. especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

Humor #639

Recently launched into the “real world” and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

“If you got married,” teased my dad, “the premium would be lower.”

My brother smiled and said, “That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts.”

—–

An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. “I’m a nothing!” she cried. “I can’t sing. I can’t remember my lines. I can’t dance, I can’t even act. I really don’t belong in show business.”

“Why don’t you quit?” the doctor asked.

“I can’t,” moaned the actress. “I’m a Star!”

—–

During college, I worked on a conveyer belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.

“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.

With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”

—–

“Oh no, not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night’s supper.

“Young lady,” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this? You should be ashamed of yourself. Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal.”

“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper,” muttered my sister submissively, “….again!”

Humor #638

“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”

“Yes sir, I understand.”

“Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”

—–

The Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin, and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the heck made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald, duck!”

—–

Google is so useless…

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was about 15,000 matches

—–

One day at a local clinic, the doctor is outraged to see that he has no patients to examine. So he called his assistant to ask what happened.

His assistant replied, “I asked the patients if they are feeling okay, and they said ‘no’, so I told them to go home and get plenty of rest!”

Humor #637

“Time separates the best of friends,” said one women to another.

“How true,” replied the other. “Twenty years ago we were fifteen, now you’re thirty-five and I’m twenty-nine!”

—–

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

Not sure how I did that…

I didn’t even know it was her birthday!

—–

The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

“So, what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

“We had a heck of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”

“Wow!” his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. “So… where are all the cows?”

“None of ’em survived the branding.”

—–

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, ma’am” said Little Johnny.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

Humor #636

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to put it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

—–

“You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.

“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.

—–

A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen. The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words: Defeat, Defense, Deduct, and Detail.

Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.”

—–

My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs and asked if it could be cleaned off.

The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked, “Did I get it all?”

Humor #635

WHAT CHILDREN SAY ABOUT HEAVEN

Mom, God’s so neat, and heaven’s supposed to be so great. Could me and Michael go there Saturday for a sleep-over?

Our seven-year-old daughter, Clarisa, was not really excited about going to Sunday school, but her little friend talked her into it. After the first class, at lunch, she said, “I like my teacher, and she said if I come to Sunday school every Sunday, she’ll show me how I can get a free trip to heaven.”

My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked, “Where’s Grandpa?”

   I answered, “He’s in heaven.”

   Surprised, she looked at me and said, “Still?”

I know what heaven is like because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born.

Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed, “God, they keep telling us You love us kids. But I’m wondering: if You know my older brother, do You think he’ll ever get to heaven?”

Grandma’s gone to heaven, and she’ll be happy there because there’s a Dairy Queen everywhere. Right?

When Jenny was four, she asked, “Does heaven have a floor?”

   Surprised, I said, “Well, Jenny, what do you think heaven is like?”

   She looked up at the sky and clouds and replied, “Well, I can’t see any floor, so I guess people are just up there on coat hangers!”

I told nine-year-old Heather that someday we would have glorified bodies.

   She asked, “Do you think we’ll look like Barbie?”

One day my five-year-old grandson, Brett, who frequently went fishing with his dad, told his mother,

   “If Grandma’s going to heaven with us, God had better have a pretty big fishing rod to haul her in!”