Humor #611

I don’t believe in reincarnation…

I didn’t believe in it the last time, either.

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Teacher: What is an island?

Student : A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side.

Teacher : On one side?

Student : Yes, on top!

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I believe the right girl for me is out there, in some corner of the earth…

But unfortunately, the earth is round.

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A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.

“My father grows beans,” said one girl.

“My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.

A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”

—–

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Humor #610

Not everyone enjoys singing ensembles…

It’s an ‘a-choir-ed’ taste.

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The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 81 years old,” the son answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

—–

I took the job at a bakery…

Because I kneaded dough!

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My aunt and her 7 year-old daughter, Lisa, were talking at breakfast one morning when Lisa said, “Mommy, how come you have these gray hairs coming in on the top of your head?”

My Aunt replied, “Well sweetie, every time that you make mommy worry or tell a lie, I get a new gray hair.”

Lisa, having this perplexed look on her face, then raises her head to look my aunt straight in the eyes. She then asks, “Is that why grandma is all gray mommy?”

Humor #609

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian.

The motorist’s lawyer made this point: “Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years.”

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: “Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!”

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I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep.

That’s deep enough!

What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

—–

England has no kidney bank…

But it does have a Liverpool.

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To keep their active two-year-old from roaming onto the busy street in front of their home, my sister and brother-in-law decided to put a gate across the driveway.

After working over two weekends on the project, Robert was ready to attach the lock to complete the job. He was working on the yard side of the gate, with his daughter nearby, when he dropped the screwdriver he was using and it rolled under the gate, out of his reach.

“I’ll get it, Daddy,” Lauren called, nimbly crawling under the newly erected barrier

Humor #608

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone’s laundry on my way home. “It’s for my cousin,” she apologized, “who’s eight months pregnant and can’t get out much anymore.”

I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

“Hi, there,” I said with a big smile. “Is your mommy home?” Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, “I have a delivery for her.”

The child’s mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. “Mom!” She shrieked, “come quick! It’s the stork!”

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When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. “I haven’t gone in a long time,” she said.

“Besides, it’s too late for me. I’ve probably already broken all seven commandments.”

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Auto-correct makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

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On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!”

“I suppose,” my husband responded, “we could vacuum.”

Humor #607

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD; I don’t have it, I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning

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A teacher was telling her class about plant names that have the word “dog” in them: dog-rose, dogwood, dog violet.

She asked the class if they could name another flower with the preface “dog.”

Steven raised his hand and said, “Sure Miss Jones. How about a ‘collie’ flower!”

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A young man looking to get married asked his friend. “Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” his pal replied. “All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother.”

“I did that already,” he said, “and that one my father didn’t like.”

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The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.

“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain.”

Humor #606

Real Classified Ads

– 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.  Leave mess.

– Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of the family.

– Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

– For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

– Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.

– Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

– We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.

– For Sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.

– For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

– Great Dames for sale.

– Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

– Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

– Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

– Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Humor #605

I used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro!

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Forgive me, Father, Pastor, Vicar, Padre, Priest … for I have synonymed.

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The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the table.

“Today,” he shouted to the church officer, “I have preached to a congregation of jackasses!”

The Church officer nodded, “So that was why you kept calling them ‘beloved brethren.'”

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I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. She said “that’ll be $4.83, please drive forward.”

“$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That’s 54 cents tax! That can’t be right,” my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I’d heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.

I didn’t have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me.

Let’s see … 483/429 … over 12 percent tax! When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said “what’s the sales tax in Huntsville?” She didn’t know. I said “$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can’t be right. Can I talk to the manager?” She gave me my change and called the manager.

So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that’s over 12 percent sales tax.

She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. (biggie upgrade was 35 cents – which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5). She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.

“HA!” I thought to myself. “Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me.”

I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food.