During seminary, the professors always began their classes with prayer. Before one final exam, a student timidly raised his hand.
“Yes, what is it?” the professor asked sternly.
“Sir, aren’t you forgetting one thing?”
“And just what would that be?”
“To pray for us,” the student gulped.
After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 straight days, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. “Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world,” I said, “but for the past three months all I’ve seen is water.”
“Lieutenant,” he replied, “three-quarters of the earth is covered with water, and the Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have joined the Army.”
The gentleman stopped to talk to the small girl who was making mud pies on the sidewalk.
“My word,” he exclaimed, “you are pretty dirty, aren’t you,my little girl?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but I am prettier clean.”
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
“I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”
I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
I ignored my wife’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn’t realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted, and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.
She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.
“That’s okay, honey,” I said. “You still have me.”
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “Yes,” she wailed, “but you don’t work either!”