Humor #550

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. “What’s your job there?” the caller asked me.

“I’m the president,” I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.”

—–

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

“Preacher,” the organizer said, “I trust you’ll see to it that the weather won’t turn bad on us.”

Our pastor shook his head. “Sorry,” he replied. “I’m sales, not management!

 —–

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.  It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

 —–

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever, no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

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Humor #549

My friend called a venetian blind repairman to come pick up a faulty blind. The next morning, while the family was at breakfast, the doorbell rang. My friend’s wife went to the door, and the man outside said, “I’m here for the venetian blind.”

Excusing herself in a preoccupied way, the wife went to the kitchen, fished a dollar from the food money, pressed it into the repairman’s hand, then gently closed the door and returned to the table.

“Somebody collecting,” she explained, pouring the coffee.

—–

 A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth’s atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic and dirty, with foul smells, and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff-looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

“Did I come here to die?” he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.

“No,” the Aussie nurse replies. “You came here yesterday.”

 —–

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.

After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, “You know, I had a car like that once.”

—–

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough.

“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers!

Humor #548

 My granddaughter, Hannah, begged me long-distance to come help her celebrate her sixth birthday. Unable to resist, I made my plans to join the family.

When we sat down for the birthday dinner, my son asked Hannah if she would like to bless the food on her birthday.

“Oh, yes, Daddy,” she said.

She closed her eyes and began, “Dear Lord, thank you for Mommy and this good food she fixed. Thank you for letting Grandma come here today.”

Pausing momentarily, Hannah opened her eyes to peek at me before she continued. “And please Lord, let us have a good time at Toys ‘R’ Us this afternoon.”

—–

Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

“You come to the front door of the apartment complex.  I am in apartment 14T.  There is a big panel at the door.  With your elbow push button 14T.  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.  When you get out I am on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” the grandson asked.

“You’re coming empty handed …  ?”

—–

“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'”

—–

 A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

 “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.  Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.  Today is Friday.  If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

 The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper.  I thought you were bringing her back.”

 “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Humor #547

Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball

Jonah: Here’s my paper

Teacher: Jonah, you spent only one minute writing your essay

Lets hear what you wrote

Jonah: Game called off on account of rain

 —–

 A new pastor decided to visit the children’s Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, “Pastor, this morning we’re studying Joshua.”

“That’s wonderful,” said the new pastor, “Let’s see what you’re learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Johnny shyly raised hand and offered, “Pastor, I didn’t do it.”

Taken aback the pastor asked, “Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?”

The teacher, interrupting, said, “Pastor, little Johnny’s a good boy. If he says he didn’t do it, I believe he didn’t do it.”

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him. The director, looking worried, explained, “Well, sir, we’ve had some problems with Johnny before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do.”

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director. A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, “Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that.”

—–

 An engineer in an upscale hotel was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When he arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. He knew all the spare sets were in use, so he figured what the heck and struck the side of the TV with the heel of his hand. The picture returned to full size.

“Look, honey,” said the wife to her husband. “He went to the same repair school as you.”

—–

 One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me anymore.”

“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

Humor #546

A man is incomplete until he is married… then he is finished.

 —–

 Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”

“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”

 —–

 Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution. The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a ball pen draws a door on the wall and asks each one of the patients to try and open the door for him as part of the test. Seven of them rushed out and attempted to open the door on the wall.

 The doctor was disappointed with the results but never the less called on the last one who was still sitting down and asked him why didn’t he stand up and try to open the door with the others.

 The eighth man replied: “because I was holding the key to the door”

 —–

 One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, “I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan.”

 Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, “I’m sorry, we don’t loan money to frogs.”

 To which the frog replied, “I have collateral,” as he handed her a small ceramic trinket.

 Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, “I don’t know. I’ll have to talk to the bank manager.”

She walked back to the manager’s office and said, “There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral.”

 The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, “Why it’s a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan.”

Humor #545

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!”

 The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”

Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

 —–

 The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction – no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

—–

 A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”

Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'” 

 —-

 Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?

Joe: I won it in a race.

Bill: How many people participated in it?

Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

Humor #544

Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes!

His friend says to him “You’re crazy! There’s no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you’ll never be able to out run it!” and the guy says, “I only have to out run you!”

—–

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.

“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

—–

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter’s brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber’s brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician’s brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, “Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?”

—–

*GOOD NEWS*

The parachute company says you’ll get a full refund.

They say the house didn’t float very far at all.

The “National Enquirer” just loved those pictures of you at work.

Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.

The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.

The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.

Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don’t worry about it.

The boss said while you’re sick, he’d do all your work personally.