Humor #10

A lawyer and two friends, a rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.”

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I’m grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong now?” the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer’s door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood … the pig and the cow.

 

—–
Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. “I am 4 years old”.
“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.
“When I get off the bus” answers Johnny.
—–

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.

“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

—–

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, “Good morning son.”

“Good morning pastor” replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. “Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.

“Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,” replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?”

—–
Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.
The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, “Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn’t going to rain in the desert?”
To which the guy with the umbrella replies, “Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it”
The guy with the car door says, “yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!”
—–

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you done a good job, son,” the farmer beamed.

“You left with seven.”

—–
“I’m not sure which pants to wear today – smarty or fancy?”
“I remember when I used to be nostalgic: I miss those days.”
—–

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. “This coffee,” he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, “is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers.”

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

“This one isn’t so hot, sir,” he beamed.

—–
My second grader, Rachel, recently discovered that when one of her friends lost a tooth, the friend received ten dollars from the tooth fairy. When Rachel realized the tooth fairy only gave her two dollars, she asked her friend’s mother, “Mrs. Kraft, would you mind doing me a big favor? Would you please call my mom and tell her which tooth fairy you use?”
—–

First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I’d locked my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning that roadside service couldn’t get a locksmith to me for at least two hours.

Finally the guy showed, looking exhausted.

As he struggled with my door, I joked, “Do those Slim Jim tools come in purse-size?”

“Yeah,” he muttered. “They’re called keys.”

—–
Kid Quotes

“Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals.” – Donna Maria G, age 9

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.” – Rob P, age 8

“If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it.” – Steven B, age 8

“Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God’s Bill of Wrongs.” – Susie F., age 7

“Doctors automatically know what’s wrong with you. They have a sick sense.” – Beau M., age 10

—–

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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Pages

Put in first page. Played around with what I learned yesterday about inserting pictures and text traveling around it.

One question I have is why is it necessary to have the Reply box/buttons at the bottom. Shouldn’t they just be for post pages? This will be one of those things I will just have to accept and work around. At least the right side doesn’t have the widgets. Though there is probably a place for them.

More later. Got to go.

The “BE” Attitudes

The “BE” Attitudes

Be understanding to your enemies.

Be loyal to your friends.

Be strong enough to face the world each day.

Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.

Be generous to those who need your help.

Be frugal with that you need yourself.

Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.

Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.

Be willing to share your joys.

Be willing to share the sorrows of others.

Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.

Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.

Be first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.

Be last to criticize a colleague who fails.

Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble.

Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way.

Be loving to those who love you.

Be loving to those who do not love you; they may change.

Above all, be yourself.

Humor #9

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

—–

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, “Why didn’t you bring the piano, too?”

“Are you trying to be funny?” she replied.

“No, I really wish you had” he sighed. “I left the tickets on it.”

—–

“Grandpa, I’m really proud of you,” said the modish young lady.

“What’s to be proud of?” asked the old man.

The young lady replied, “I noticed that when you sneeze, you’ve learned to put your hand in front of your mouth.”

“Of course,” explained Grandpa.

“How else can I catch my teeth???”

—–
Judi strolled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said coyly, “Doctor, may I ask a question?”

“Certainly,” he said.

“Lately,” said Judi, “I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart . . .”

The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, “I’m terribly sorry, Judi, but I’m a doctor of philosophy.”

“Oooh,” she said, “I’m sorry!”

She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. “Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is ‘philosophy’?”

—–

Church Bulleting Bloopers

Everyone is asked to bring a jar of peanut butter which will
be forwarded to Potter’s House for distribution as part of
the Food Baskets for greedy families during the month of
June.

The new parking area looks great. Thanks to the men who
turned out Saturday to help with the groveling.

A special thank you is extended to the members of the
congregation who supported the dinner at the Community
Outreach Center on Friday, May 11. Thank you for the
generous amounts of food and to the shavers who came.

We “raised the roof” both in monetary donations and
excitement to help get started on construction effort. Thank
you to the over 100 people who filled the Community Center
to help us with our destruction fund for the new fellowship
hall.

Are you ready for this? Invite some neighbors and come along
for the Vacation Bible School picnic! Please register so we
will have enough food on the clipboard in the fellowship
hall.

The new landscaping looks wonderful. Special thanks to the
ladies who have been working in beds around the church
grounds.

—–

A husband, who is not the most outgoing guy, relents to his wife’s months of nagging to take her out dancing. During the evening one guy on the dance floor is giving it large – break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

Seeing this performance, the wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Her husband replies, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!!”

—–

When Ruth’s grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone
he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was
running through the house and into the corner of a chair and
hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, “Oh no,
oh no, now I can’t be a doctor when I grow up.”

Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept
telling her he couldn’t.

Finally she asked, “Why can’t you be a doctor?”

Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, “Because now I
will have to be a pirate!”

—–

My first-grader came home and proudly reported to her dad that she was now officially a “Brownie.” Not to be outdone, her three-year-old brother, Christopher, rushed up to Dad and proudly announced he was a cupcake!

—–

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Humor #8

The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

I told him, “Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am — in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement — I ask myself, ‘Now, what am I here after?'”

—–
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two tired.
—–

A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor. After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.”

A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife?

“How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”

—–

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”

“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

—–
Sign on company bulletin board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”
—–

A French guest, staying in a American hotel called room service for some pepper.

“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

“Toilette pepper!

—–
I’ve been hiding from exercise: I’m in the fitness protection program.
—–

I frequently use (1 Thessalonians 5:17) to encourage the children I teach to “pray without ceasing.”

One day after chapel, a young boy said, “Mrs. Capehart, I am sorry I sneezed during your prayer today.”

I assured him sneezing was no problem but I appreciated his apology.

He responded, “Well, I know you like us to pray without sneezing.”

—–

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,

“Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

—–

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife’s birthday.

“A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.

“You bet,” answered the customer.

“She’s expecting a cruise.”

—–
“A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 … 9 … 8 … 7 …”
—–

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”

“Really?” the other researcher replied. “Why did you switch?”

“Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

—–
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!”

“That’s all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

—–

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

“You know what a foreman is?” Uncle Joe asked.

“The one who stands around and watches the other men work?” the nephew asked. “What’s that got to do with it?”

“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

—–

My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law’s garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

“No, honey, he won’t do for bait,” his mother said. “He’s not an earthworm.”

“He’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”

—–
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would  turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Humor #7

A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother “Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can’t stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.The mother couldn’t understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s’ talking about! We learned the hymn ‘Gladly The Cross I’d Bear'”.
—–

Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will.

“I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.”

“And that is?”

“In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.”

The lawyer seemed puzzled. “Why make such an unusual request?”

Mr. Sams answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died.”

—–

Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised since the library is large and has a confusing layout.

When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn’t actually found the exit herself. She’d used an emergency phone to call for help.

Puzzled, I asked, “How did your rescuers find you if you didn’t know where you were?”

“Easy,” she said. “I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue.”

—–
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
—–
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
——

During my shift as a customer-service agent at Detroit Metro Airport, I was approached by a weeping woman who was so upset that I thought maybe she’d missed a connection or lost a child.

“I left my book on the plane!” she said frantically.

I assumed this had to be a rare first edition of some kind. “Okay,” I said. “Just tell me the title of the book.”

“It’s called ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and It’s All Small Stuff,'” she replied through her tears.

—–

After explaining to my 5-year-old daughter that my grandfather had died and I was going to fly out of town for a couple of days, she went to school and told her teacher a different version of the story: “My great-grandpa died, my mommy had to go to heaven to see him, and my daddy’s going there to pick her up tomorrow!”

—–

I got so excited when my husband expressed interest in my meditation sessions.

“You don’t have to close your eyes,” I explained. “You can keep them open and focus on something like a candle or a spot in front of you.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “Could it be a TV?”

—–
There’s the story about the MIT student who spent an entire summer going to Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt. Each day he was seen walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game.

When the referee walked onto the field and blew his whistle, the game had to be delayed for half an hour to wait for the birds to get off the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated.

—–

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great his father was.

The first one said, “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and start to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”

The second one said, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: “Sorry, dudes, but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30, and he’s home by 3:45!”

—–
Murphy’s Other Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.


humor #6

Ann, a third-grade teacher, invited her class to her wedding. The wedding was at 3:30 p.m. on a weekday, so the substitute brought Ann’s class to the church.

The music started, the attendants took their places, and the bride came down the aisle on the arm of her father. At this point one alarmed student exclaimed, “She’s not going to marry that old man, is she?”

—–

An eight-year-old boy has hundreds of baseball cards stacked around his room. Mom complained to him about it as she tried to help him straighten his mess. “But Mom,” he argued, “it’s my hobby—just like you have cooking and cleaning!”

—–

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!”

—–

Had the Mayans been any good at predicting the end of the world they would have seen the Spanish coming.

—–

The featured guest on our local radio talk show was a woman who owned a home-cleaning service.

After she described what her clients could expect, the program’s telephone lines were opened to the audience. The first caller struck to the heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing such a service.

Her question: “How much cleaning do I have to do before your people come?”

—–

When my neighbor’s granddaughter introduced me to her young son, Brian, I said to him, “My grandchildren call me Mimi. Why don’t you call me that, too?”

“I don’t think so,” he retorted, and ran off after his mother.

Later I was asked to babysit for Brian, and we hit it off wonderfully. As he snuggled up to me, he said, “I don’t care what your grandchildren say. I love you, Meanie.”
—–

“I’m so worried,” the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. “Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria.”

“Relax,” the nurse said smiling. “This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble.”
—–

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. “Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?”

“Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”

“What happened?”

“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit our house, it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”

“How about you?”

“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”
—–

Joe was proud of his family of six children. He frequently referred to his wife as “Mother of Six,” much to her annoyance. Finally, she cured him of his habit. At the end of a big party, Joe called out loud enough for everyone to hear: “Ready to go, Mother of Six?”

“Any time you are,” she replied, “Father of Four.”
—–

A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits.

“I hate to give away my secrets,” he replied, “but I’ll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I start them running.

Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards. Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles.”

—–

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. “A cup of milk please.” he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing.
Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody,” I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas – HERE!”
The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?”The Cowboy replied,” Well, I had to walk home.

—–

A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”

—–

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’
She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’
A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!