Humor #3

A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
—–

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

—–

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens’.

Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?

Customer: ‘Tried but nothing”

Tech Support: “What key did you hit?”

After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: “Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.”

—–
A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
—–

Bob: “So, you say that you won the conversion with your wife yesterday.”

Joe: “Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees.”

Bob: “Really? What did she say?”

Joe: “Come out from under the bed, you coward

—–

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named “In” and
“Out.” They lived in a hollow tree with their mother.
Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they
played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked
Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few
minutes he came in with In.

“My my, Out,” she said, “how did you find In so quickly?”

Out just smiled and said, “Instinct.”

—–

A member of the country club asked the lifeguard how he
might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

“It takes considerable time and technique,” replied the
guard. “First you must take her into the water, then place
one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her
right arm and raise it very slowly…”

“This is certainly most helpful,” said the member. “I know
that my kid sister will appreciate it.”

“Your sister?” asked the lifeguard. “In that case, just push
her into the deep end of the pool. She’ll learn in a hurry.”

 

—–

The judge asked the defendant, “Mr. Jones, do you understand
that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth?”

“I do.”

“Now what do you say to defend yourself?”

“Your Honor, under those limitations … nothing.”

—–

One day, as I was working in the nursery at my church, I overheard a 3-year-old girl talking to her mom. “Mommy,” she quipped, “when Jesus takes us to heaven, will I have to go to the nursery?”

—–
One evening while my daughters were taking a bath together, 4-year-old Andrea began pouring water over her 10-month-old sister’s bald little head. Exasperated, I asked Andrea what she was doing. Without a moment’s hesitation, she replied, “I’m watering Rachel’s head so her hair will grow!”
—–

The police officer got out of his car, and the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the officer said.

The kid replied, “Well, I got here as fast as I could.”

When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.

 

—–

I was with a friend in a cafe’ when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.

“What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?” I wondered aloud.

“Some are quite effective,” my friend corrected me.

“Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors’.

Whenever I wanted him home, I’d go out to the driveway and jostle his car.”

—–

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he’s in luck, there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, “What on earth did you put on this pizza?”

The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.”

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