Humor #4

Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? “Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”

 

—–

 

Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team’s dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. “Yeah, it was great,” she said. “I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don’t get why all the fuss about a quarter!” Charlie is confused.

 

“At the beginning of the game,” she explained, “I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It’s only 25 cents!”

 

—–

 

A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”

 

—–

 

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic “When I die I’ll get it on my way up.” chuckled the old man.

 

Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!” said the old woman.

 

—–

 

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands’ attitudes towards leftovers:

“It gets rough,” one said. “My husband is a movie producer and he calls them reruns.”

“You think you have it bad,” was the reply. “Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!”

“That’s nothing compared to me,” said the third lady. “My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!”

—–

 

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became
upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she
charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the
only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell
asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the
chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

 

——

 

As our family was eating dinner one evening before Advent began, I asked, “Who can tell me what the four candles in the Advent wreath represent?” Luke, my 7-year-old, exuberantly began, “There’s love, joy, peace, and … and …” Eager to keep up with her brother, 6-year-old Elise excitedly broke in, “I know! Peace and quiet!”

 

—–

 

A new mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the
first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the
store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her
purchases around her.

At the checkout line, a small boy and his mother were ahead
of them. The child was crying and begging for some special
treat.

“He wants some candy or gum and his mother won’t let him
have any,” she thought.

Then she heard his mother’s reply.

“No!” she said, looking in her direction. “You may not have
a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!”

 

—–

 

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.

One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:

“911, what is your emergency?”

“Osifer, I’ve been robbed!”

“Can you be more specific sir?”

“Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal.”

“Could you please repeat that sir?” By now there’s a crowd gathering around the dispatcher’s chair.

“Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel.”

“Sir, what is your location?”

“I’m in my car.”

“Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?”

“Yes, shur. I’m on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!”

“Alright, sir, we’ll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm.”

The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“Osifer?”

“Yes, what is your emergency please?”

“Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal.”

“Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?”

“No, shur, I was just in the back seat.”