humor #6

Ann, a third-grade teacher, invited her class to her wedding. The wedding was at 3:30 p.m. on a weekday, so the substitute brought Ann’s class to the church.

The music started, the attendants took their places, and the bride came down the aisle on the arm of her father. At this point one alarmed student exclaimed, “She’s not going to marry that old man, is she?”

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An eight-year-old boy has hundreds of baseball cards stacked around his room. Mom complained to him about it as she tried to help him straighten his mess. “But Mom,” he argued, “it’s my hobby—just like you have cooking and cleaning!”

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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!”

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Had the Mayans been any good at predicting the end of the world they would have seen the Spanish coming.

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The featured guest on our local radio talk show was a woman who owned a home-cleaning service.

After she described what her clients could expect, the program’s telephone lines were opened to the audience. The first caller struck to the heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing such a service.

Her question: “How much cleaning do I have to do before your people come?”

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When my neighbor’s granddaughter introduced me to her young son, Brian, I said to him, “My grandchildren call me Mimi. Why don’t you call me that, too?”

“I don’t think so,” he retorted, and ran off after his mother.

Later I was asked to babysit for Brian, and we hit it off wonderfully. As he snuggled up to me, he said, “I don’t care what your grandchildren say. I love you, Meanie.”
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“I’m so worried,” the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. “Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria.”

“Relax,” the nurse said smiling. “This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble.”
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Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. “Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?”

“Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”

“What happened?”

“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit our house, it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”

“How about you?”

“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”
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Joe was proud of his family of six children. He frequently referred to his wife as “Mother of Six,” much to her annoyance. Finally, she cured him of his habit. At the end of a big party, Joe called out loud enough for everyone to hear: “Ready to go, Mother of Six?”

“Any time you are,” she replied, “Father of Four.”
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A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits.

“I hate to give away my secrets,” he replied, “but I’ll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I start them running.

Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards. Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles.”

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One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. “A cup of milk please.” he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing.
Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody,” I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas – HERE!”
The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?”The Cowboy replied,” Well, I had to walk home.

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A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”

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Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’
She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’
A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!

 

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