Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will.
“I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.”
“And that is?”
“In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.”
The lawyer seemed puzzled. “Why make such an unusual request?”
Mr. Sams answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died.”
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn’t actually found the exit herself. She’d used an emergency phone to call for help.
Puzzled, I asked, “How did your rescuers find you if you didn’t know where you were?”
“Easy,” she said. “I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue.”
During my shift as a customer-service agent at Detroit Metro Airport, I was approached by a weeping woman who was so upset that I thought maybe she’d missed a connection or lost a child.
“I left my book on the plane!” she said frantically.
I assumed this had to be a rare first edition of some kind. “Okay,” I said. “Just tell me the title of the book.”
“It’s called ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and It’s All Small Stuff,'” she replied through her tears.
After explaining to my 5-year-old daughter that my grandfather had died and I was going to fly out of town for a couple of days, she went to school and told her teacher a different version of the story: “My great-grandpa died, my mommy had to go to heaven to see him, and my daddy’s going there to pick her up tomorrow!”
I got so excited when my husband expressed interest in my meditation sessions.
“You don’t have to close your eyes,” I explained. “You can keep them open and focus on something like a candle or a spot in front of you.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “Could it be a TV?”
At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game.
When the referee walked onto the field and blew his whistle, the game had to be delayed for half an hour to wait for the birds to get off the field.
The guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated.
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great his father was.
The first one said, “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and start to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one said, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: “Sorry, dudes, but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30, and he’s home by 3:45!”
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
