Humor #7

A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother “Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can’t stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.The mother couldn’t understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s’ talking about! We learned the hymn ‘Gladly The Cross I’d Bear'”.
—–

Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will.

“I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.”

“And that is?”

“In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.”

The lawyer seemed puzzled. “Why make such an unusual request?”

Mr. Sams answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died.”

—–

Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised since the library is large and has a confusing layout.

When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn’t actually found the exit herself. She’d used an emergency phone to call for help.

Puzzled, I asked, “How did your rescuers find you if you didn’t know where you were?”

“Easy,” she said. “I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue.”

—–
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
—–
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
——

During my shift as a customer-service agent at Detroit Metro Airport, I was approached by a weeping woman who was so upset that I thought maybe she’d missed a connection or lost a child.

“I left my book on the plane!” she said frantically.

I assumed this had to be a rare first edition of some kind. “Okay,” I said. “Just tell me the title of the book.”

“It’s called ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and It’s All Small Stuff,'” she replied through her tears.

—–

After explaining to my 5-year-old daughter that my grandfather had died and I was going to fly out of town for a couple of days, she went to school and told her teacher a different version of the story: “My great-grandpa died, my mommy had to go to heaven to see him, and my daddy’s going there to pick her up tomorrow!”

—–

I got so excited when my husband expressed interest in my meditation sessions.

“You don’t have to close your eyes,” I explained. “You can keep them open and focus on something like a candle or a spot in front of you.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “Could it be a TV?”

—–
There’s the story about the MIT student who spent an entire summer going to Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt. Each day he was seen walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game.

When the referee walked onto the field and blew his whistle, the game had to be delayed for half an hour to wait for the birds to get off the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated.

—–

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great his father was.

The first one said, “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and start to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”

The second one said, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: “Sorry, dudes, but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30, and he’s home by 3:45!”

—–
Murphy’s Other Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.


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