Humor #8

The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

I told him, “Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am — in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement — I ask myself, ‘Now, what am I here after?'”

—–
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two tired.
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A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor. After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.”

A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife?

“How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”

—–

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”

“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

—–
Sign on company bulletin board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”
—–

A French guest, staying in a American hotel called room service for some pepper.

“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

“Toilette pepper!

—–
I’ve been hiding from exercise: I’m in the fitness protection program.
—–

I frequently use (1 Thessalonians 5:17) to encourage the children I teach to “pray without ceasing.”

One day after chapel, a young boy said, “Mrs. Capehart, I am sorry I sneezed during your prayer today.”

I assured him sneezing was no problem but I appreciated his apology.

He responded, “Well, I know you like us to pray without sneezing.”

—–

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,

“Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

—–

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife’s birthday.

“A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.

“You bet,” answered the customer.

“She’s expecting a cruise.”

—–
“A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 … 9 … 8 … 7 …”
—–

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”

“Really?” the other researcher replied. “Why did you switch?”

“Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

—–
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!”

“That’s all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

—–

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

“You know what a foreman is?” Uncle Joe asked.

“The one who stands around and watches the other men work?” the nephew asked. “What’s that got to do with it?”

“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

—–

My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law’s garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

“No, honey, he won’t do for bait,” his mother said. “He’s not an earthworm.”

“He’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”

—–
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would  turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
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