Humor #10

A lawyer and two friends, a rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.”

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I’m grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong now?” the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer’s door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood … the pig and the cow.

 

—–
Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. “I am 4 years old”.
“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.
“When I get off the bus” answers Johnny.
—–

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.

“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

—–

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, “Good morning son.”

“Good morning pastor” replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. “Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.

“Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,” replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?”

—–
Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.
The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, “Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn’t going to rain in the desert?”
To which the guy with the umbrella replies, “Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it”
The guy with the car door says, “yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!”
—–

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you done a good job, son,” the farmer beamed.

“You left with seven.”

—–
“I’m not sure which pants to wear today – smarty or fancy?”
“I remember when I used to be nostalgic: I miss those days.”
—–

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. “This coffee,” he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, “is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers.”

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

“This one isn’t so hot, sir,” he beamed.

—–
My second grader, Rachel, recently discovered that when one of her friends lost a tooth, the friend received ten dollars from the tooth fairy. When Rachel realized the tooth fairy only gave her two dollars, she asked her friend’s mother, “Mrs. Kraft, would you mind doing me a big favor? Would you please call my mom and tell her which tooth fairy you use?”
—–

First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I’d locked my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning that roadside service couldn’t get a locksmith to me for at least two hours.

Finally the guy showed, looking exhausted.

As he struggled with my door, I joked, “Do those Slim Jim tools come in purse-size?”

“Yeah,” he muttered. “They’re called keys.”

—–
Kid Quotes

“Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals.” – Donna Maria G, age 9

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.” – Rob P, age 8

“If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it.” – Steven B, age 8

“Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God’s Bill of Wrongs.” – Susie F., age 7

“Doctors automatically know what’s wrong with you. They have a sick sense.” – Beau M., age 10

—–

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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