Humor #11

Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

—–

Last night, my kids stopped by and were sitting in the living room when I said to them, ‘I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.’

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

—–

“I’m glad I know sign language: it’s pretty handy.”
—–

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all, while the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.

“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” the successful fisherman
repeats.

“I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand you.”

The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”

—–
The wife was screaming at her Husband:
“Leave!! Get out of this house!” she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled,
“I hope you die a slow and painful death!”He turned around and replied
“So, now you want me to stay?”
—–
“I just read a list of 100 things to do before you die and I’m pretty surprised ‘Yell for help’ wasn’t one of them.”
—–

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

“When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

—–

*Questions Asked at National Parks*

*Everglades National Park:*
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

*Mesa Verde National Park:*

Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas–their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

*Carlsbad Caverns National Park:*
How much of the cave is underground?
So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this–just a hole in the ground?

*Yosemite National Park:*
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

*Denali National Park:*
What time do you feed the bears?
What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

*Yellowstone National Park:*
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

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