Humor #12

A preacher phoned the city’s newspaper.

“Thank you very much,” said he, “for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was ‘What Jesus Saw in A Publican.’

You printed it as ‘What Jesus Saw in a Republican,’ I had the biggest crowd of the year.”

—–

The classified ad said, “Wanted: CEO needs a one-armed consultant with a social sciences degree and five years of experience.”

The man who won the job asked, “I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why ‘one armed’?”

The CEO answered, “I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase ‘on the other hand.'”

—–

I recently prayed with my 5-year-old son as he accepted Jesus into his life. I carefully explained that Jesus now lived in his heart.

Several days later, he was sitting at the table with his head down, holding open the neck of his T-shirt, speaking very quietly. I asked what he was doing and he told me, “Just talking to Jesus.”

——

On a beautiful fall day, four of my granddaughter’s friends decided to go for a drive instead of showing up to class on time. When they did arrive, the girls explained to the teacher they had had a flat tire. The teacher accepted the excuse, much to the girls’ relief.

“Since you missed this morning’s quiz, you must take it now,” she said. “Please sit in the four corner seats in this room without talking.” When they were seated, the teacher said, “On your paper write the answer to one question: ‘Which tire was flat?'”

—–

Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor’s fashion?

The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.

Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.

It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.

And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.

—–

“Silence is golden unless you have a toddler – then, silence is just suspicious.”

—–

I needed a passport, and I needed it quickly. Luckily, a sign in the passport office told me exactly how long I could expect to wait: “Allow 10 minutes for regular processing and 15 minutes for expedited processing.”

—–

*Hymns for the Aging*

Precious Lord, Take my Hand (And Help Me Get Up)

It is Well with My Soul (but my back hurts)

Nobody Knows the Trouble I have Seeing

Amazing Grace (Considering My Age)

Just a Slower Walk With Thee

Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

Go Tell It on the Mountain (And Speak Up)

Give Me that Old Timers Religion

Blessed Insurance

Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I’ve forgotten where I parked)

—–

Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.

When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating…

“If I can’t eat, I won’t pay!”

—–

Kathryn’s 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she’d ask, “Mom, what does FGRPL spell?”

“Nothing,” Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she’d suddenly ask, “Mom, what does DOEB spell?”

“Nothing,” Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, “Mom, what does LMDZ spell?”

Kathryn smiled at her and said, “Nothing, sweetheart.”

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, “Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!”

—–

A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle while jumping up and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and
asks the woman, “What’s the matter?”

She replies, “I didn’t notice until after I took the medicine that it said, ‘Shake Well.'”

—–

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with “1 John 4:18” which reads “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake “John 4:18” …

“for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.”

—–

I hate red lights at intersections: They make me cross.

—–

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

—–

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Thanks,

Billy

—–

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.”I would do anything to pass this exam,” she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything…”

He returns her gaze, “Anything?”

“Anything.”

His voice softens, “Anything?”

“Anything,” she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you … study?”

—–

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