Humor 14

“Well, I’m off to Home Depot – need to buy a couple of large pails for some outside chores, a medium pail for some inside washing, and maybe a small pail for taking to the beach. And there you have it; that’s my bucket list.”

——

A plane took off from Louisville International Airport, and when it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain started his announcements over the intercom.

“Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 254, nonstop from Louisville to Miami. The weather ahead is good and we expect a smooth and uneventful flight. So just sit back and relax – OH NOOOOOOOO!”

Silence followed for several minutes.

Finally the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry for the earlier scare. While I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

Back in coach, a passenger said to the person next to him, “That’s nothing! He should see the back of mine!”

——

A man walked into a very expensive bakery shop where they specialized in making cakes to order.

“I’d like you to bake me a cake in the shape of the letter “S,” he said. “Can you do that?”

“Why certainly!” said the baker. “We can make a cake in any shape at all. When would you like it to be ready.?”

“Have it ready by tomorrow at 3 o’clock, I’ll call for it,” said the man.

The next day at three o’clock, the man came in for his cake. The baker proudly displayed the cake he had made. It was shaped like the letter S and decorated beautifully.

“Oh!” cried the man. “That’s all wrong! That’s not what I want. You made it in the shape of a regular printed S. I wanted a graceful script S. That won’t do at all!”

“I’m terribly sorry you’re so disappointed,” said the baker. “We aim to please. I’ll make you another cake at no extra charge. Don’t worry.”

All right, then,” said the man. “I’ll be back at 6 o’clock for the cake. And this time I hope it’s right.”

At six o’clock the man came in. The baker brought in the new cake. He was all smiles. “Isn’t this a beauty!’ he exclaimed.

The man looked at the cake. His face lit up.

“That’s perfect!” he said. “Just what I wanted.”

“I’m delighted,” said the baker. “Now tell me, sir, what kind of a box shall I put it in?”

“Oh, don’t bother wrapping it up,” said the man, “I’ll eat it here.”

——

I accompanied my four-year-old, Matt, to a pre-kindergarten screening session where they tested his hearing, eyesight, speech, and motor skills. The last stop was with the school nurse who emphasized the importance of washing hands before meals. “Germs from our hands can get on our food while eating,” she explained.

“Oh, I don’t need to worry about that,” Matt assured her. “We use forks at our house.”

——

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel, and says, “Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

“The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.

“In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.”

——

During the minister’s prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?”

Gary answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!”

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