Humor #17

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right doesn’t have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you’re eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M’s. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

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A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

——-

An blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when…Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

—–

The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.

“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”

“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.

——-

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.

“Now,” he said,” what do you learn from this?”

An eager student gave his answer.

“Well the answer is obvious,” he said ” if you drink alcohol, you’ll never have worms.”

——-

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses.

She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway…

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes … there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.

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