Humor #18

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.”

“Hans Olaffsen?” he muses. “How in the world does that fit in here?”

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, “How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?”

The old man answers, “Is name of owner.”

The tourist asks, “Well, who and where is the owner?”

“Me, is right here,” replies the old man.

“You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?”

“Is simple,” says the old man. “Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, ‘What your name?’

“He say, ‘Hans Olaffsen.’

“Then she look at me and go, ‘What your name?’

“I say, ‘Sem Ting.'”

 

——

 

Our seven-year-old grandson, Matthew, is always eager to try new foods. One dinner I served roast beef accompanied by a traditional side dish. Curious, Matthew asked what it was. “Horseradish,” I replied.

We all cautioned him about its effects. But he politely helped himself to a small portion, which disappeared in one swallow.

Seconds later, Matthew’s face contorted in shock as he gasped, “Which part of the horse is it?”

 

——

 

At church one morning, my friend Gwen was about to start her 4-year-olds’ Sunday school class when a little boy showed up without any identification. Gwen managed to get his first name, but couldn’t find out his last name. “Brian, what’s your daddy’s name?” she asked.

“Daddy,” he replied.

She tried again, “Brian, what’s your mommy’s name?”

“Mommy,” he answered.

Suddenly she realized exactly how she could get the answer she needed. “Brian, what does your daddy call your mommy?”

His face lit up. With a grin and a deep voice, he replied, “Hey, Babe.”

 

——

 

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant.

He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.

Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, “We’ll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the waiter, “but that’s the owner.”

 

——-

 

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

“Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

 

—–

 

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself, “You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you are the boss.”

Of course, the husband takes the doctor’s advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife’s face, and growls, “From now on, you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I’m going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong.

And another thing … you know who’s going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?”

“I certainly do,” says his wife calmly …

“The undertaker!”

 

——-

Thomas, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous and breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old brunette. She is hanging on to his arm and listening intently to his every word.

His usual golf-playing partners and fellow members of the club are baffled and shocked. At their very first chance, they come to him and ask, “Thomas, how did you get the amazing trophy girlfriend?”

Thomas replies, “Girlfriend? She’s not my girlfriend — she’s my wife.”

Disbelieving him, they ask, “So how did you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age,” he replies.

“What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”

Thomas smiles and says, “Nope, I told her I was 90.”

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