“Eating Disorders: I scheme, you scheme, we all scheme for ice cream.”
A recent survey found that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.”
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, “We should pray.”
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” he asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask a simple question that everyone should answer with no trouble. If there is hesitation, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'”
The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
“If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”
The girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.
“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.
“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”
“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”
“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”
Barb’s granddaughter was in kindergarten. There was a boy in her class that wasn’t listening to the teacher.
The teacher said to him, “Since you don’t want to listen, you sit at that table by yourself.”
After a few minutes, Barb’s granddaughter raised her hand and said, “I don’t want to listen either. Can I sit with him?”