Humor #20

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he needed to use the restroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the men’s room. He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage. Since nobody was watching and his need was becoming more urgent, he decided to relieve himself right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. “Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.

“Miss it?” she said indignantly. “You were in it!”

——-

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entrée his wife had served. “What did you marinate this in?” he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn’t be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, “What did you ask me?”

She chuckled at his answer and explained, “I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!”

As she left the room, he called out, “Well, would you marry me again?”

Without hesitation, she said, “Vinegar and barbecue sauce.”

——-

You Know You’re Getting Old When …

…you find yourself standing next to your car with your keys in your hand, but you can’t remember whether you’re going somewhere or you just got back.

…you walk out to the parking lot of the mall, and not only did you forget where you parked, but you also forgot what car you were driving.

…your daughter takes you out to dinner, and the cashier takes one look and gives you both senior discounts.

…everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

…you reach down to pull up your wrinkled stockings and realize you don’t have any on.

…when you raise your arm, and you find your “muscle” is now on the bottom side.

…when you have as students the grandchildren of your former students.

…when you sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, crackle, pop you hear isn’t your breakfast cereal.

…when you bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, “Is there anything else I need to do while I’m down here?”

“Inside every old person is a young one wondering what happened.”

—–

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist.

After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not.

The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot.

The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?”

The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

——-

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, say, “That’s not it,” and put it down again. This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said, “That’s it.”

——-

As children’s pastor, I listened as a fourth-grade Sunday school teacher shared a concern. Completing a quarter’s lessons on the Ten Commandments, he had asked the kids, “What is the hardest Commandment for you to keep?” to which most of them responded, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

We couldn’t understand why fourth graders would find that command a problem until a mother quizzed her son on what he thought committing adultery meant. Without blinking, the boy replied, “Thou shalt not sass back to adults.”

——–

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.

The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.

The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

“How old are you?” No response.

The dentist then asked, “Don’t you know how old you are?”

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?”

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, “Can you talk?”

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, “Can you count?”

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