Humor #22

A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet. “It’s all those years of standing,” his doctor declared. “You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the ocean and you’ll feel better.”

When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.

“How much for two buckets of that seawater?” he asked the lifeguard.

“A dollar a bucket,” the fellow replied with a straight face.

The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, “Help yourself.”

The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out.

“Wow,” he said, turning to the lifeguard. “Some business you got here!”

—–

My parents scoffed, but I knew my college degree in geology would come in handy one day. It was during basic training, at Sheppard Field, Texas, and I was pulling KP duty. When the sergeant asked me what I did in civilian life, I proudly announced that I was a geologist.

“Good. I’m looking for someone with your background,” he said, while dropping a bulging sack onto the table. “You’ve got just the right qualifications to pick the rocks out of this hundred pounds of beans.”

—–

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said, “Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”

The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!”

—–

At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check the baby.

He sat up for a full minute listening and then protested, “But I don’t hear her crying.”

“I know,” she replied. “It’s your turn to go see why not!”

—–

“Grandpa, I’m really proud of you,” said the modish young lady.

“What’s to be proud of?” asked the old man.

The young lady replied, “I noticed that when you sneeze, you’ve learned to put your hand in front of your mouth.”

“Of course,” explained Grandpa.

“How else can I catch my teeth???”

—–

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. “I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents.”

“Ahhh, that’s a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin’,” the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

“That’s not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents.”

“Saints preserve us!” the priest said, making another chalk mark.

“There’s more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team’s players in the knee.”

“Oh, goodness me!” the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. “Who in the world were we playin’ when you did these awful things?”

“Southern Methodist.”

“Ah, well,” said the priest, wiping his sleeve, “boys will be boys.”

—–

During a play which our youth group wrote and performed at a conference, the actor who was playing the part of a leper started across the stage. He waved people away from himself and yelled, “Unclean, unclean!” As he was doing this, a fake rubber hand flew out of his sleeve and onto the floor.

The actor who played Jesus then entered the scene and picked up the rubber hand. Walking over to the leper and tapping him on the shoulder, he suggested, “Excuse me, but you look like you could use a hand!”

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