Humor #23

“I used to be a people person but people ruined that for me.”

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Be An Optimist: No sense being pessimistic…it won’t work anyway.

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After trying to for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled, “GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!”

My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said, “You mean you’re going to get rid of us and have a cow instead?”

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Many years ago, when my 9 year old daughter was 3, we went to our usual Sunday morning church service. We were seated and waiting for the service to begin, when this woman walked by us in a really bright, gaudy dress. My husband, who never says anything about anyone, even made a comment about how “loud” the dress was.

After the service was over, we were standing outside the church chatting with another couple. I couldn’t see my daughter and then I noticed her standing right next to (practically on top of) the woman with the dress. When I asked her what she was doing, she said “I’m trying to hear this dress mom. Dad said it was really loud, but I haven’t heard it make a peep yet.”

Everyone within earshot, with the exception of my husband and the woman in the dress burst out laughing. My husband wanted to crawl in a hole, and I have to say I never saw that particular dress worn again.

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I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn’t find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn’t been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

“Great,” he thought, “I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

And this one’s even better because it locks…”

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“Doctor, please help me,” says an elderly patient. “I have silent passage of gas every morning. I have silent passage of gas every afternoon, and I suffer from silent passage of gas in the evening. Sometimes I have silent passage of gas at unpredictable times—for instance, just now. Doctor, can you help me?”

“Sure, I can help you‚” says the doctor. “But first you need your hearing checked.”

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A family was visiting a church and the minister announced they had both Spanish and English Bibles for use during the service. The youngest son tugged at mom’s sleeve and whispered, “Mommy, I want one of those Spanish Bibles.”

“Don’t be silly, you can’t read Spanish,” she quickly rejoined.

Holding out his own Bible to her, the kindergartner explained, “Mom, I can’t read English either.”

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Did you hear the one about the bank where the employees went on strike, leaving the bank officers to do the teller’s tasks?

While the strike was on, a customer called the bank to ask if they were open.

They told her that they had two windows open.

Then the caller asked, “Can’t I just come through the front door?”

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During “children’s time” in the worship service, the kids came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer, asked, “How can we talk with God?”

The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, “Maybe we can write God a letter. Does anyone know God’s address?”

The group said no.

Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, “Maybe we can telephone God. Does anyone know God’s phone number?”

The response was again negative.

Then the pastor displayed his laptop computer and said, “Maybe we can send God an e-mail!”

A little five-year-old boy enthusiastically said, “Yeah, try www-dot-God-dot-com!”

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