Humor #24

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, “Okay, I’m ready to hear the evidence…I’ll hear the oldest first.”

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

—–

A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti-string top.

An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way; it was the style.

He said, “Yeah! Well, if you remember right, I had something to say about that, too!”

“Yes dear,” she said, “you did … you asked me for my phone number!”

—–

Discovering too late that a watermelon fruit punch spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local Baptist ministers, the restaurant’s owner waited nervously for the clerics’ reaction.

“Quick, man,” he whispered to the head waiter, “what did they say?”

“Nothing,” replied the waiter.

“They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets.”

—–

EVER WONDER . . .

– Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

– Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

– Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

– Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

– Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

– Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

– Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

– Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

– Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

– Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

– When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

– Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

– Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

– You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

– Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

– Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

– If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

– If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

—–

A preacher and a the president of a soap manufacturing company went for a walk together.

The president said, “What good is religion? Look at all the trouble and misery of the world! Still there, even after years, thousands of years, of teaching about goodness and truth and love and peace. Still there, after all the sermons and teachings. If religion is good and true, why should this be?”

The preacher said nothing.

They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in the gutter. Then the preacher said, “Look at that child. You say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I wonder how effective soap is, after all!”

The president of the soap company protested, “But preacher, soap can’t do any good unless it is used!”

“Exactly,” replied the preacher. “Exactly.”

—–

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain,”.

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”

“But officer, I just wanted to say….”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

——–

Our Nigerian students often had trouble with King James English. Once during a Bible test a student wrote,

“Paul tells us that we must loin up our girds and be strong.”

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