Humor #22

A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet. “It’s all those years of standing,” his doctor declared. “You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the ocean and you’ll feel better.”

When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.

“How much for two buckets of that seawater?” he asked the lifeguard.

“A dollar a bucket,” the fellow replied with a straight face.

The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, “Help yourself.”

The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out.

“Wow,” he said, turning to the lifeguard. “Some business you got here!”

—–

My parents scoffed, but I knew my college degree in geology would come in handy one day. It was during basic training, at Sheppard Field, Texas, and I was pulling KP duty. When the sergeant asked me what I did in civilian life, I proudly announced that I was a geologist.

“Good. I’m looking for someone with your background,” he said, while dropping a bulging sack onto the table. “You’ve got just the right qualifications to pick the rocks out of this hundred pounds of beans.”

—–

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said, “Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”

The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!”

—–

At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check the baby.

He sat up for a full minute listening and then protested, “But I don’t hear her crying.”

“I know,” she replied. “It’s your turn to go see why not!”

—–

“Grandpa, I’m really proud of you,” said the modish young lady.

“What’s to be proud of?” asked the old man.

The young lady replied, “I noticed that when you sneeze, you’ve learned to put your hand in front of your mouth.”

“Of course,” explained Grandpa.

“How else can I catch my teeth???”

—–

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. “I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents.”

“Ahhh, that’s a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin’,” the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

“That’s not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents.”

“Saints preserve us!” the priest said, making another chalk mark.

“There’s more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team’s players in the knee.”

“Oh, goodness me!” the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. “Who in the world were we playin’ when you did these awful things?”

“Southern Methodist.”

“Ah, well,” said the priest, wiping his sleeve, “boys will be boys.”

—–

During a play which our youth group wrote and performed at a conference, the actor who was playing the part of a leper started across the stage. He waved people away from himself and yelled, “Unclean, unclean!” As he was doing this, a fake rubber hand flew out of his sleeve and onto the floor.

The actor who played Jesus then entered the scene and picked up the rubber hand. Walking over to the leper and tapping him on the shoulder, he suggested, “Excuse me, but you look like you could use a hand!”

Advertisements

Humor #21

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”

The father thought for a moment. “Yes, son,” he replied. “Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”

——-

Three old timers chatting at restaurant! They sat down at a table while waiting to be served. One of them said; Hay Jake! Isn’t this your 50th anniversary?

Jake replies! Yep.

Well, the old timer asked, what are you planning on doing?

Jake replies, well! I remember taking my wife to Arizona on our 25th anniversary.

The other old timer asked, Oh ya, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary?

Jake replies, I’m going back to pick her up!!!!!!!

——-

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book.

Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue.

Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.

St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.

“You are a lawyer aren’t you?’

“Yes” the lawyer replies. “Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?”

“Oh, no, “Said St Peter. “It’s just you are the first one to ever get here.”

——-

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!”

——-

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.

The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”

“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.

“S-i-c-k…” the man began. “No, s-i-c-a…..” no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I’ll call you back.”

—–

Why Some Countries CAN’T Go Metric!

If the metric system did ever take over, we’d have to change our thinking to the following:

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.609 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

 

.

Psalm 23 Broken Down

The Lord is my Shepherd

  • That’s Relationship!

I shall not want

  • That’s Supply!
  • Provision

He makes me to lie down in green pastures

  • That’s Rest!
  • Comfort

He leads me beside the still waters

  • That’s Refreshment!
  • Peace

He restores my soul

  • That’s Healing!
  • Restoration

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

  • That’s Guidance!

For His name sake

  • That’s Purpose!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

  • That’s Testing!
  • Trials & Testing

I will fear no evil

  • That’s Protection!
  • Comfort
  • Security

For You are with me

  • That’s Faithfulness!
  • His constant presence with us, even in Testing & trials

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me

  • That’s Discipline!
  • Protection
  • Assurance

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies

  • That’s Hope!
  • Deliverance

You anoint my head with oil

  • That’s Consecration!

My cup runs over

  • That’s Abundance!

Surely

  • Certainty

Goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life

  • That’s Blessing!
  • Grace
  • God’s constant working& presence  in my life

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

  • That’s Security!
  • Eternal life

Forever

  • That’s Eternity!

P.S. This is a compilation of of a couple things I found on the web a while back, plus a thought or two of my own.

From My Pastor

God’s thoughts towards you are so….______________.
What word first comes to your mind/heart? Really ponder this.
Now consider: “How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!” (Psalm 139:17, 18a in NLT)
Our Father has such tremendously good and kind thoughts about/toward you. You are his. He claims you as his own. He calls you son or daughter, and he purposefully chose you in Christ. Another way to articulate this: you’ve been adopted. Purposefully chosen. Brought into his family through his Son. Thus the scriptures read, “God, for whom and through whom everything was made, chose to bring many children into glory.” (Hebrews 2:10)
While you may struggle with good thoughts about yourself, God is free towards you. All of what could be held against you was put on Jesus as he hung on the cross. Now, we receive from his fullness of grace. This grace equates to complete forgiveness, but also to the remaking of who we really are: “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.” (Titus 2:11-14)
Pastor Chris Manginelli (3-7-2013)
.

Humor — A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

Humor #20

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he needed to use the restroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the men’s room. He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage. Since nobody was watching and his need was becoming more urgent, he decided to relieve himself right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. “Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.

“Miss it?” she said indignantly. “You were in it!”

——-

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entrée his wife had served. “What did you marinate this in?” he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn’t be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, “What did you ask me?”

She chuckled at his answer and explained, “I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!”

As she left the room, he called out, “Well, would you marry me again?”

Without hesitation, she said, “Vinegar and barbecue sauce.”

——-

You Know You’re Getting Old When …

…you find yourself standing next to your car with your keys in your hand, but you can’t remember whether you’re going somewhere or you just got back.

…you walk out to the parking lot of the mall, and not only did you forget where you parked, but you also forgot what car you were driving.

…your daughter takes you out to dinner, and the cashier takes one look and gives you both senior discounts.

…everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

…you reach down to pull up your wrinkled stockings and realize you don’t have any on.

…when you raise your arm, and you find your “muscle” is now on the bottom side.

…when you have as students the grandchildren of your former students.

…when you sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, crackle, pop you hear isn’t your breakfast cereal.

…when you bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, “Is there anything else I need to do while I’m down here?”

“Inside every old person is a young one wondering what happened.”

—–

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist.

After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not.

The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot.

The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?”

The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

——-

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, say, “That’s not it,” and put it down again. This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said, “That’s it.”

——-

As children’s pastor, I listened as a fourth-grade Sunday school teacher shared a concern. Completing a quarter’s lessons on the Ten Commandments, he had asked the kids, “What is the hardest Commandment for you to keep?” to which most of them responded, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

We couldn’t understand why fourth graders would find that command a problem until a mother quizzed her son on what he thought committing adultery meant. Without blinking, the boy replied, “Thou shalt not sass back to adults.”

——–

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.

The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.

The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

“How old are you?” No response.

The dentist then asked, “Don’t you know how old you are?”

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?”

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, “Can you talk?”

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, “Can you count?”

Humor #19

“Eating Disorders: I scheme, you scheme, we all scheme for ice cream.”

——-

A recent survey found that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.”

——-

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, “We should pray.”

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

——-

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” he asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask a simple question that everyone should answer with no trouble. If there is hesitation, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'”

The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

——-

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:

“If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”

——-

The girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

——-

Barb’s granddaughter was in kindergarten. There was a boy in her class that wasn’t listening to the teacher.

The teacher said to him, “Since you don’t want to listen, you sit at that table by yourself.”

After a few minutes, Barb’s granddaughter raised her hand and said, “I don’t want to listen either. Can I sit with him?”