Humor #41

Our church had been given a used organ that, after a little TLC, was soon readied for service. The anticipated Sunday arrived, for which we had hired a professional musician to play the organ. Before she hit the first note, I nodded in her direction and said, “Let’s see what the old gal can do!”

To my surprise, the congregation burst out laughing, and it was only after the red-faced organist pointed out my blunder that I realized the double meaning. To remedy the situation, I blurted out, “I mean the organ!” But it was too late.

The ultimate humiliation, though, was still to come. When the organist dramatically hit her first chord not a note sounded. Our repairman, we later discovered, had mixed up a major electrical connection.

—–

A blind man and his seeing-eye dog walk into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demands to know what he is doing.

The blind man calmly replies, “I’m just lookin’ around.”

—–

On Palm Sunday, my five-year-old niece, Stephanie, sat on my lap while we listened to the pastor’s sermon. He described Jesus’ approach to Jerusalem and how the crowds cried, “Hosanna, Hosanna!”

At that, Stephanie perked up and began to sing, “Oh, Hosanna, now don’t you cry for me!”

—–

Punny Thoughts

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop it a line.

Her company distributes gift-boxed cashews, and she has a delivery guy that drives her nuts.

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Humor #40

Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

Humor #39

Hope this doesn’t make you uppity!!

Read until the end…..you’ll laugh….

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word 
is 
‘UP.’  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we
wake 
UP


At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do
we speak
 UP, and why are the
officers 
UP for
election
 and why is it UP to the secretary to
write
 UP a
report? We call
UP our friends,
brighten 
UP a room, polish UP  the
silver, warm
  UP  the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock 
UP the house and
fix
 UP the old
car. 


At other times this little word has real special
meaning. People stir 
UP trouble,
line
UP for
tickets, work 
UP  an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one
thing but to be dressed UP is
special.

And this UP is confusing:  A
drain must be opened 
UP because it is stopped UP.

We
open 
UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night.
 We seem to be pretty mixed
UP about UP !

To be
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes 
UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP  a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may
wind 
UP with a hundred or
more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP. When the sun comes out
we say it is clearing 
UP. When it rains, it
soaks
 UP the
earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry 
UP. One could go on & on, but I’ll wrap
it 
UP, for now  ……..my time is UP !


Oh….one more thing:
What is the first thing you
do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night?

U
P !

 

Did that one crack you UP?



Now
I’ll shut 
UP

Humor #38

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

“Leave some ID, a driver’s license or a credit card,” she said.

“But my husband is here getting a haircut,” I explained.

“Yes,” she replied. “But I need something you’ll come back for.”

—–

An office had an blond Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’

‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.

—–

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.

—–

During a visit with our daughter’s family, my husband went into the bedroom to pray. Our curious 3-year-old granddaughter followed him and came out saying, “Papa’s in there praying, and there isn’t any food!”

—–

Recently, our 4-year-old son, Dana, went next door to play with his friend Dan. Dan’s father answered the door and asked, “Dana, have you had the chicken pox?”

“What?” asked our bewildered son.

“The chicken pox,” repeated Dan’s dad.

“Well,” replied Dana, “I don’t know ’bout a chicken box, but I have a bird feeder!”

—–

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle, said, “Oh, man! Someone’s deodorant isn’t working.”

A man in the corner replied, “It can’t be me. I’m not wearing any.”

—–

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

—–

If you think my puns are bad… just wait ’til they’re full groan.

—–

World Coveting Championship: Looks likes this year’s contest will come down to who wants it more.

—–

Humor #37

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”

—–

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first said, “Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.”

Immediately, a burly athlete walked up to the table and stated, “Angus MacLeod. Scotland. Shot-put.” He opened his gym bag to display a shot-put to the registration attendant.

The attendant said, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information.”

HOT DOG! The first guy grabbed a small tree sapling, stripped off the limbs and roots, walked up the registration table and stated, “Chuck Wagon. Canada.

Javelin.”

The attendant said, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!”

The second guy grabbed a street utility manhole cover, walked up the registration table and stated, “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.”

The attendant said, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.”

They scampered in, but suddenly realized the third guy was missing. They groaned, “OH NO.” He’s a goober. They forgot to make sure he didn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They then spotted him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walked up to the registration table and stated, “Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing.”

—–

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I… I… didn’t pinch that girl.”

“Of course you didn’t,” said his wife, consolingly. “I did.”

—–

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side…

You know what Martha?”

“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck.”

—–

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied: “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.”

—–

During an examination, the student was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was ‘log(1+x)’.

He didn’t want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer to ‘timber(1+x)’.

Humor #36

An opinion poll was taken recently among citizens in local high-rise retirement condos. The questions were direct and simple. The poll produced few surprises. The questions and answers follow…

What’s the most important right guaranteed us by the Constitution?

— The senior citizen discount.

What is the greatest invention of the century?

— The plastic in my new knees, hips, and heart valve.

What is the surest sign society is in decline?

— Those neighbors carousing after 8 PM.

What is your favorite dinner entree?

— Early birds.

Do you have trouble eating steak or corn on the cob?

— Only when I misplace my teeth.

What’s the cheapest way to lower winter heating bills?

— Hot flashes.

What are your most bothersome medical problems?

— Those not covered by Medicare.

What’s the best substitute for a hard drug trip?

— Bending down, then standing up real fast.

What are the hardest-to-find fashion accessories?

— White shoes and belts.

Humor #35

 

 

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

 

—–

 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

 

—–

 

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,

but I’d never met herbivore.

 

—–

 

I don’t feel like doing anything today.

I think I’ve got an enlarged procrastinate.

 

—–

 

There were three sisters—ages 92, 94, and 96—who lived together. One night, the 96-year-old drew a bath. She put one foot in, then paused. “Was I getting in the tub or out?” she yelled.

The 94-year-old hollered back, “I don’t know, I’ll come and see.” She started up the stairs, but stopped on the first one. She shouted, “Was I going up or coming down?”

The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen having tea, listening to her sisters with a smirk on her face. She shook her head and said, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

 

—–

 

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.

“It’s no use,” Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

 

—–

 

Getting Old Can Be Tough!

 

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our spiritual meeting place, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Karen, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the building, I came to a terrifying conclusion………….. Her theory was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Karen retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”