The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half.
Good. I’ll take two of them.
A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”
The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”
It’s So True…..
— Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!
— Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
— A closed mouth gathers no foot.
— The Bill of Rights (Void where prohibited by law)
— A fool and his money can throw a great party.
— If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
— Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
— What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
— The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
–“Ha! You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.”
–“No, honey, that dress does not make you look fat. YOU make that DRESS look fat.”
–“This vest is totally bullet-proof. I’d bet my life on it.”
–“Hey, everybody, watch this!!!”
–“Sure I know how to fly a plane. I just don’t know how to land one.”
–“Oh yeah? You don’t look so tough.”
–“Yes, I’m sure it’s perfectly safe.”
–“No worries. Those cannibals are vegetarians.”
Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “
Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.