A blonde bought herself a new Mercedes. She can drive the car during the day but at night the car won’t move at all.
She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.
Furious, she calls the dealership, tells them the problem and they send a mechanic to the house.
The mechanic gives the car a thorough inspection and can’t find anything wrong. Eventually, he asks the Blonde, ” Are you sure you’re using the right gears?” “Of course I am. I’m not stupid. I use “D” during the day and “N” at night!”
One day I decided to take my three children to an ice skating party in a nearby town, but after several wrong turns and stops to ask directions, I pulled over to the side of the road and suggested we all ask God to help us find the rink. When we finally arrived, we were nearly an hour late. The following week, as we got into the car to go skating again, my five-year-old son exclaimed, “Mom, let’s pray now and save time!”
We hadn’t told our toddler Daylene her aunt was pregnant. At two-and-a-half years, we thought she wouldn’t notice. We were speechless when one day someone said, “Looks like Aunt Dodie has a watermelon in her tummy,” to which Daylene exclaimed, “Do you think the baby will eat it?”
My three-year-old grandson found a quarter in the driveway as the family left for church. When they returned home, he pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to his mother saying, “You can have this money, Mommy. I was going to give it to Jesus, but he wasn’t there.”
A middle-aged man wasn’t feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check-up. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, “Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking.”
The man said, “Well, to be honest with you, Doc, I don’t deserve the best. What’s the second best?”
This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.
An elderly couple, Billie & Jack, were recently attending church services at The Villages.
About halfway through the service, Billie took a pen and paper out of her purse, wrote a note and handed it to Jack.
The note said:” I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”
Jack scribbled back, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, “My dad’s way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher’s mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!”
One of the other boys said, “Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!”
The last boy said, “Your dads don’t even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!”
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”