Humor #30

“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, “we don’t have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?”

Replied the customer sadly, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”

———–

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband snorts: “‘So does a case of 24 cans of Budweiser, and it’s only half the price.”

On the PA system: “‘Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down.”

———–

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. SHOCK—The shampoo that runs down my entire body says “for extra volume & body.” Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Now I understand why I am so “full-figured.”

Tomorrow I am going to start using “Dawn” dish soap. It says “dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”

———–

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

———–

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. “You’re running around with another woman… admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

———-

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

All the other Senators pleaded to the angry member that he withdraw his statement or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

“Ok” he said, “I withdraw what I said.

Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

—–

A mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food. The waiter says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me the food?”

“Deal!” replies the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The waiter says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another.

“Money or another miracle,” says the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant.

The waiter says to the guy, “Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions.”

“Not so,” says the guy, “the hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

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