Humor #34

 

 

Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6 year old Kyle said, “You can’t sit in Daddy’s seat!”

“Daddy’s not home,” the baby sitter replied.

“Since I’m responsible for you while he’s gone, I can sit here. Today I’m the boss.”

Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up,

“If you’re the boss, you sit over there in Mommy’s chair!”

 

—–

 

The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. “This is last year’s license,” the warden informed him.

“I know,” said the hunter, “but I shouldn’t need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year.”

 

—–

 

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. “Make three wishes,” she told her mother, “and I’ll grant them.”

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, “I wish to have a trim figure again.”

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

“I’ll need more power for this!” she exclaimed.

 

—–

 

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

—–

 

One day, my husband announced to the family that he was going to fast and pray.

Ginny, our 5-year-old, had recently learned that fasting meant not eating. “No!” she shouted. “You can’t fast! You’ll die!”

Her dad carefully explained that many men and women fasted in Bible times.

Ginny paused a moment. Then, with a flash of insight and a note of warning, she proved her point. “And they all died,” she said.

 

—–

 

“Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn’t know the correct pronunciation of nothing.”

 

—–

 

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix.

Never drink and derive.

 

—–

 

“So, what’s the matter?” asked one woman of her friend over coffee. “I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband.”

“Oh, everything went wrong,” the second woman answered.

“First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

“All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!”

 

—–

 

A little boy sent a “get well quick” card to his grandfather in the hospital. Inside the card he wrote:

Dear Grandpa,

Mama tells me that you went to the hospital for some tests. I hope you get an “A”!

Love, Billy

Advertisements