Humor #53

Government Pipe Specifications

1.  All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2.  All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3.  The I.D.  (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.  (outside diameter) – otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4.  All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5.  All pipe should be supplied without rust – this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B.  Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe.  If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6.  All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7.  Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words “very long pipe” painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.

8.  All pipe over 6″ (152 mm) in diameter must have the words “large pipe” painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9.  Flanges must be used on all pipe.  Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10.  When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11.  Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe.  If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12.  All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads – otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

Humor #52

PONDERISMS

1·      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3·        Life is sexually transmitted.

4·      Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5·      The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6·       Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8·     Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9·        All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10·      In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11·        How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12·      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’

13·      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14·      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15·      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16·        If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17·      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18·      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19·      Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20·     Do you ever wonder why you read these lists to the end?

Humor #51

Truth About Children

– A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

– A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

– A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

– A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

– An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

– Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

– Celibacy is not hereditary.

– Familiarity breeds children.

– For adult education, nothing beats children.

– Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

– Having children will turn you into your parents.

– If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

– Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

– It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

– It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.

– Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

– Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

– You can learn many things from children… like how much patience you have.

– Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

– The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

– There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it

– Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.

– There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

– The best thing to spend on your children is time.

Humor #50

Waiting for an elevator at a local hospital, I was standing next to a maintenance person holding a bicycle pump.

Noticing my curious stares, he looked at me and remarked with a smile, “It’s the newest HMO oxygen program.”

—–

A burglar who needed money to pay his income taxes decided

to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading,

“Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just

turn the knob.”

He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the

entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started

clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard

moaning, “My confidence in human nature has been rudely

shaken.”

—–

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, “Here Soap! Here Water!”

—–

The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce its name changes and schedules for the coming season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Freebooters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market. Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

—–

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

—–

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because

of a lack of campaign funds?

Anyone who stops spending just because he’s out of money

doesn’t belong in Washington anyway!

Humor #49

A burglar who needed money to pay his income taxes decided to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.”

He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, “My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.”

——

Two goobers were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?”

“I don’t know,” responded the other. “I’ll ask him.”

He climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?”

“Intelligence,” the boss said.

“What do you mean, ‘intelligence?'”

The boss said, “Well, I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.”

The goober took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand. At the last second the boss removed his hand and the goober hit the tree. The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”

The goober went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What did he say?”

“He said we are down here because of intelligence.”

“What’s intelligence?” said the friend.

The goober put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”

—–

“A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn’t it’s real name, just a pen name.”

—–

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. “I was just stupid,” I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

“People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love,” he said. “But I’ve never heard of anybody falling out of stupid.”

—–

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, “Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!”

—–

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she’d died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone.

At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, “Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?”

“Not at all,” my son said.

“When would be a good time?” she asked.

My son answered, “Just as soon as I dig a basement.”

—–

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained.

“She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

Humor #48

My daughter’s third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled “My Biggest Surprise.” Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina’s work. It read: “I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy’s bed and hopped in. But it wasn’t Mommy at all. It was Mrs. Del Campo!”

What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.

—–

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

“Rabbi,” asked little Melvin, “there’s something I need to know.”

“What’s that, my child?” asked the rabbi.

“Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”

“Right.”

“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Uh–right.”

“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”

“Again you are correct.”

“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”

“All that is correct,” agreed the rabbi. “So what’s your question?”

“What I need to know is this,” demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups doing?”

—–

Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try.

Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of “pointers” was the fact that George should invest only small sums.

But George threw caution to the wind and six months later, sent an e-mail to Jim. It said, “So much for your pointers. Now, send me some retrievers!”

—–

Joe’s wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Joe? Don’t you like my singing?”

Joe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”

—–

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really!?” he said. “Have you tried mouthwash?”

—–

A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.

Finally his mother said, “Where did you get all that money.?

“At Sunday school,” the boy replied nonchalantly. “They have bowls of it.”

—–

A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’?”

He replied, “No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with ‘If elected I promise…'”

Humor #47

A Latin American minister was touring the U.S. in an effort to boost financial support for missionaries and ministries in his home country.

At a church luncheon, he was telling the guests about this home country, his family, and the important work being supported there. As he concluded, he said, “And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children.”

After a pause, he said, haltingly, “You see, my wife is unbearable.”

Puzzled glances in the audience prompted him to try to clarify by saying: “What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable.”

Observing the laughter in the audience, he realized his mistake, but floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language by correcting triumphantly, “That is, my wife, she is impregnable!”

—–

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul the banker says to Morty, “So listen, Morty, you know I don’t swim so well.”

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore.

After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”

Saul replies, “Morty, this is a heck of a time to be asking for money!”

—–

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password. No, it’s not the usual caps-lock problem.

“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

—–

While visiting the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride trail bikes. As I descended a hill, I saw a woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.

“We’re coming to a hill,” the mother announced to her children, “so you’ll have to help me — are you ready?”

I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement:

“I think I can, I think I can…”

—–

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone’s laundry on my way home. “It’s for my cousin,” she apologized, “who’s eight months pregnant and can’t get out much anymore.” I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

“Hi, there,” I said with a big smile. “Is your mommy home?” Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, “I have a delivery for her.”

The child’s mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. “Mom!” She shrieked, “come quick! It’s the stork!”