Humor #46

At the end of their first date, a young man in a bygone era took his favorite girl home. He decided to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leaned his hand against the wall, smiled, and said, “How about a good night kiss?”

“Are you crazy?” she said. “My parents will see us!”

“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Come on, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s too risky!”

“Please, please, please. I like you so much.”

“No, no, no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“No, no. I just can’t.”

“Pleeeeease?. . .”

Then to their surprise, the porch light went on, the door opened, and there stood the girl’s sister, hair disheveled, in her pajamas. In a sleepy voice she said, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. If need be, dad will come down himself and do it. Whatever you do, tell your date to take his hand off the intercom button.”

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We decided to let our three-year-old son record the message for our home answering machine. The rehearsals went smoothly: “Mommy and Daddy can’t come to the phone right now. If you’ll leave your name, phone number, and a brief message, they’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”

Then came the test. I pressed the record button and our son said sweetly, “Mommy and Daddy can’t come to the phone right now. If you’ll leave your name, phone number, and a brief message, they’ll get back to you as soon as Jesus comes.”

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My nine-year-old nephew, Phillip, was a ringbearer in my wedding. At the wedding rehearsal, the singer asked when she should begin singing. The pastor answered, “After the vows.” She asked: “What are the vows? I’ll need a cue.” Phillip compounded the confusion as he explained: “The vowels are A-E-I-O-U. There is no Q!”

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“When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”

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A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby.

As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, “Keep calm, Thomas. Don’t get excited, Thomas. Don’t yell, Thomas.”

A lady watched with admiration and then said, “You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little Thomas.”

“Lady,” he declared, “I’M THOMAS!”

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“The early bird still has to eat worms.”

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“Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.”

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My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.

During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.

Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, “Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn’t shine!”

The electrician took a break.

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