My daughter’s third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled “My Biggest Surprise.” Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina’s work. It read: “I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy’s bed and hopped in. But it wasn’t Mommy at all. It was Mrs. Del Campo!”
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
“Rabbi,” asked little Melvin, “there’s something I need to know.”
“What’s that, my child?” asked the rabbi.
“Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”
“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
“Again you are correct.”
“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”
“All that is correct,” agreed the rabbi. “So what’s your question?”
“What I need to know is this,” demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups doing?”
Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try.
Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of “pointers” was the fact that George should invest only small sums.
But George threw caution to the wind and six months later, sent an e-mail to Jim. It said, “So much for your pointers. Now, send me some retrievers!”
Joe’s wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Joe? Don’t you like my singing?”
Joe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really!?” he said. “Have you tried mouthwash?”
A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.
Finally his mother said, “Where did you get all that money.?
“At Sunday school,” the boy replied nonchalantly. “They have bowls of it.”
A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’?”
He replied, “No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with ‘If elected I promise…'”