Humor #50

Waiting for an elevator at a local hospital, I was standing next to a maintenance person holding a bicycle pump.

Noticing my curious stares, he looked at me and remarked with a smile, “It’s the newest HMO oxygen program.”

—–

A burglar who needed money to pay his income taxes decided

to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading,

“Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just

turn the knob.”

He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the

entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started

clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard

moaning, “My confidence in human nature has been rudely

shaken.”

—–

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, “Here Soap! Here Water!”

—–

The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce its name changes and schedules for the coming season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Freebooters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market. Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

—–

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

—–

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because

of a lack of campaign funds?

Anyone who stops spending just because he’s out of money

doesn’t belong in Washington anyway!

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