Humor #46

At the end of their first date, a young man in a bygone era took his favorite girl home. He decided to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leaned his hand against the wall, smiled, and said, “How about a good night kiss?”

“Are you crazy?” she said. “My parents will see us!”

“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Come on, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s too risky!”

“Please, please, please. I like you so much.”

“No, no, no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“No, no. I just can’t.”

“Pleeeeease?. . .”

Then to their surprise, the porch light went on, the door opened, and there stood the girl’s sister, hair disheveled, in her pajamas. In a sleepy voice she said, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. If need be, dad will come down himself and do it. Whatever you do, tell your date to take his hand off the intercom button.”

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We decided to let our three-year-old son record the message for our home answering machine. The rehearsals went smoothly: “Mommy and Daddy can’t come to the phone right now. If you’ll leave your name, phone number, and a brief message, they’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”

Then came the test. I pressed the record button and our son said sweetly, “Mommy and Daddy can’t come to the phone right now. If you’ll leave your name, phone number, and a brief message, they’ll get back to you as soon as Jesus comes.”

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My nine-year-old nephew, Phillip, was a ringbearer in my wedding. At the wedding rehearsal, the singer asked when she should begin singing. The pastor answered, “After the vows.” She asked: “What are the vows? I’ll need a cue.” Phillip compounded the confusion as he explained: “The vowels are A-E-I-O-U. There is no Q!”

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“When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”

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A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby.

As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, “Keep calm, Thomas. Don’t get excited, Thomas. Don’t yell, Thomas.”

A lady watched with admiration and then said, “You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little Thomas.”

“Lady,” he declared, “I’M THOMAS!”

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“The early bird still has to eat worms.”

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“Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.”

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My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.

During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.

Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, “Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn’t shine!”

The electrician took a break.

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Humor #45

EVER WONDER …

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

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Why can’t women    put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don’t you ever see the headline —  ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

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Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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I like this one!!!

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Humor #44

Only in   America  ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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Only in  America  …..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

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Only in America  …..  do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

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Only in  America  ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

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Only in America ………. do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

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Only in  America  ….. do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Humor #43

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children’s soccer practices.

I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn’t be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn’t mention anything about his father’s whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

“Yes,” he replied, “she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don’t worry. I told her I didn’t know.”

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In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, “The Lord be with you.” The congregation used to respond by saying, “And with thy spirit.”

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, “The Lord be with you,” and everyone responds with, “And also with you.”

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, “There’s something wrong with this!”

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, “And also with you.”

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My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.

“I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?” Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”

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The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation. “Airman,” he bellowed, “what do you do when a shirt pocket is unbuttoned?”

The startled airman replied, “Button it, sir!”

The colonel looked him in the eye and said, “Well?”

At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel’s shirt pocket.

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“Chow looks wonderful,” I told the mess sergeant, a large, intimidating man. “I’d love seconds.”

“You’ll get the same as everyone else,” he growled as he chucked food on my tray. “Now move it!”

After finishing the edible portion of my meal, I dumped the rest in the garbage, accidentally tossing out my silverware. While leaning into the trash can to look for my knife and fork, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

It was the mess sergeant. “It’s all right, son,” he said. “You can grab seconds.”

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An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved, “I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.”

She says, “Finders keepers.” And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

She says, “No.”

The husband says, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, “Let’s get out of here.”

Humor #42

We telemarketers know we’re universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, “Good morning, Highland View Cemetery.”

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While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place…

Tower: “Sir, do you need any assistance?”

Cobra: “I don’t know, Tower. We ain’t done crashin’ yet!”

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An old man strode in to his doctor’s office and said, “Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you’ve been giving to Mrs. Smith.”

“Oh, he did, did he?” the doctor shot back. “And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor’s orders?”

The old man said, “Since he found out I’ve been on birth control pills since February.”

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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up, so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!”

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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right; everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

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A preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed.  He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know.  It ain’t ’til next week.”