Humor #61

 

 

Husband: “The bank just returned this check.”

 

Wife: “Isn’t that nice of them? What can we buy with it this

time?”

 

——————

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a

Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

 

——————-

 

“Doctor, you’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”

 

“Do you drink a lot of coffee?”

 

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

 

—————

 

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

 

“We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”

 

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, “I’m not free. I’m four.”

 

—————-

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds.

 

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

 

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

 

—————-

 

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question,

“Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

 

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the

kindergarten boy.

 

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

 

“You know – Our Father, whose art’s in Heaven…”

 

—————-

 

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small-town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.

 

With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse: “I never saw a cow until I met my wife.”

 

—————-

 

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

 

The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left.

 

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it IS vanishing cream!”

 

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Humor #60

The local high school has a policy that the parent’s must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent’s had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”

Kelly: “This is my mother.”

———————

My daughter spent the night over at my mom’s house one weekend. She is 3 and full of mischief.

My mom told her, “You must behave if you want to stay again overnight.”

My daughter looked at her and said, “Yes your Majesty Princess Gramma of Coolness!”

———————-.

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!”

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” – The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

————–

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you; We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “Okay, great!”

But, God added, “now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt.”

——————

A few weeks after a young man had been employed, he was called into the Human Resources administrator’s office.

“What is the meaning of this?” the personnel officer asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I’ve discovered this is the first position you’ve ever held.”

“True,” the young man answered with a smile. “In your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination.”

——————

“I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging – it’ll be called You-Twit-Face.”

—————–

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school.

One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”

——————-

Little Susan was mother’s helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.

“Susan,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith’s place.”

“I thought he wouldn’t need them,” explained Susan. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse!”

Humor #59

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

“Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich,” she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin. I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, “Now you know why they call that mustard ‘Poupon.'”

—————–

“I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.”

—————–

Two businessmen in New York city are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn’t ready – only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, “I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious southerner walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, “What’re y’all sellin’ here?”

One of the men replies, “Oh! We’re selling goobers here.”

Without skipping a beat, the southern gentleman says, “Well, I see y’all’re doing really good. You only got two left!”

——————

My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. “Look what I spelled, Mom!” Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

“That’s wonderful!” I praised him. “Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight.” That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. “Mom? How do you spell zilla?”

——————–

The blonde had been married about a year when one day she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. “Why are we so happy?” he asked.

“Honey, I have some really great news for you!” she said.

“Great” he said, “tell me what you’re so happy about.”

She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. “I’m pregnant!” she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn’t be happier.

Then she said “Oh, Honey there’s more.”

“What do you mean more?”, he asked.

“Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

“It was easy” she said, “I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!”

——————

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

“What are you doing?” his Mom asked.

“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

——————–

Humor #58

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied… ‘Two years older than me’ ‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented..

She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

—–

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.. She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

—–

I’ve sure gotten old!

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

—–

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

—–

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.

‘Why Wal-Mart?’ ‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’

—–

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

—–

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

—–

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

—–

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

—–

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

—–

Always Remember This: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,—————-You grow old because you stop laughing.

Humor #57

No Wonder English is So Hard to Learn

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt

—–

Humor #56

THE “MIDDLE WIFE”

(Note: This is one of my all-time favorites)

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant: “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.”

“First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.”

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'” Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. “She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!'” (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

“My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my mom to lie down in bed like this.” (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

“And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!” (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

“Then the middle wife starts saying ‘Push, push” and “Breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.”

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another “Middle Wife” comes along.

Humor #55

Why Do I Like Retirement ???????

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

—–

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

—–

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

—–

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

—–

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

—–

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

—–

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

—–

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

—–

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

—–

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

—–

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

—–

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

—–

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

—–

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING…..

Saturday & Sunday, I rest.