Humor #61

 

 

Husband: “The bank just returned this check.”

 

Wife: “Isn’t that nice of them? What can we buy with it this

time?”

 

——————

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a

Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

 

——————-

 

“Doctor, you’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”

 

“Do you drink a lot of coffee?”

 

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

 

—————

 

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

 

“We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”

 

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, “I’m not free. I’m four.”

 

—————-

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds.

 

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

 

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

 

—————-

 

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question,

“Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

 

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the

kindergarten boy.

 

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

 

“You know – Our Father, whose art’s in Heaven…”

 

—————-

 

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small-town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.

 

With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse: “I never saw a cow until I met my wife.”

 

—————-

 

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

 

The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left.

 

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it IS vanishing cream!”

 

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