Humor #68

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “You know, I’ve lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I’m tired of looking for her!”

——————-

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.

One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, “It’s the piggy that ate roast beef.”

——————-

When the pastor of a conservative small-town congregation received the gift of a white suit from a friend, he was a bit reluctant to wear it. But since it was so attractive and a perfect fit, he decided to put it on one warm Sunday. As he was leaving for church, he asked his wife what she thought of his attire. After giving him the once-over, she replied, “It depends. Are you going to preach or sell chicken?”

——————-

This is a little story about four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that
because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought that Anybody could do it,
but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

——————–

I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief.

“What’s the matter?” I asked him.

“Uh, nothing,” he replied, “I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch.”

—–

While discussing the plight of Driver’s license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.

The examiner asked her, “Could you get a little closer?”

Instead of moving the car, she slid over.

————-

CleanPuns

Did you hear about the elevator operator who rode to the basement to pick up Dracula? He went down for the Count.

Freud had a bicycle as a child, and he often took it apart, as he was very interested in what made it work.
Thus began his interest in cycle analysis.

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.
It was the pair on the ground.

Did you hear about the pet store whose canaries were constantly flying and never landed?
They gave them away for free. After all, we’re all familiar with “no perches necessary.”

What do you call a movie made by a con-artist that is very interesting?
A con-flick of interest!

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Humor #67

 No Wonder English is So Hard to Learn #2 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Humor #66

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: “Broken.”

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.

“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. “There’s plenty of time left!”

—–

A stuffy old dowager was explaining to the Jewish florist how she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

“Actually,” she said, “one of my ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to the Congress.”

“How very nice.” replied Morris the florist. “One of my mine was present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments to the world.”

—–

“Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance.”

—–

My mother was recently on a flight returning from Utah. As the plane was a small puddle jumper, the flight attendants were required to demonstrate the life vest, the oxygen mask, etc. instead of turning on a video.

After they finished their presentation, one of them said “To those of you who listened, thank you. To those of you who ignored us, good luck.”

—–

I put some turnips, my eleven-year-old son’s least-favorite vegetable, on his dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

I pointed out to him that if he’d eaten it earlier, he wouldn’t have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, “I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible.”

—–

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?”

“Yes” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

——————-

One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he quickly hung up when he saw me. “What were you doing?” I asked him.

“Calling Aunt Sarah.”

“How could you have called Aunt Sarah?” I asked. “You don’t even know her number.”

“Yes, I do and I did call her,” little Morris replied.

I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn’t know her number, but he insisted he had made the call. “Okay,” I said finally. “What did she say, then, if you called her?”

“She told me I had the wrong number.”

———————

At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.

Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:

“In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!”

——————

One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was, “There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly.”

After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, “Do you think she’ll die?”

“Nope,” a little girl in the back said. “I saw this last night on ‘Fear Factor.'”

Humor #65

Clean Puns

“When the clock factory caught fire, second hand smoke was everywhere.”“When they finish a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.”

“It was an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.”

“I forgot most of what I came to the store to buy,” Tom said listlessly.”

“Don’t bother me; I’m living happily ever after.”

“Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.”

—————————-

One Liners

“I don’t know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?”

“You know you’re getting old when you wonder what you’d feel like if you weren’t taking vitamins.”

“Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.”

“I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush; I’m going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.”

“Sleep is just an escape for those who cannot handle the hallucinations of insomnia.”

—————————-

Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local joint. I wanted hot sauce, Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table.

“We need three,” I insisted. “Which one is this?”

“All of them,” she replied. “You want hot, put more on.”

———————

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said My Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

————————–

The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children’s Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.

Now, a decade or so later, the old lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old Family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.

Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.

Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child’s questions in terms she could understand; but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry: “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?”

———————-

Any argument that a man and a woman are involved in, the
woman gets the last word.

Anything a man says afterwords is the beginning of a new
argument.

———————

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he’d like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, “Well, we haven’t seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter.”

The wife shrieked, “There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?”

The ranger replied, “Well, that’s easy — see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it’s a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it’s a grizzly.”

The motel room was quite nice.

————————

My wife asked me this morning, “Whacha doin’ today?”

I said, “Nothing.”

She said, “That’s what you did yesterday.”

I said, “I wasn’t finished.”

——————-

The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a “contract” for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.

The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully, “At least that other librarian we had could write.”

Humor #64

Life is Good

My face in the mirror

Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty,

The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely

And so does my lawn.

I think I might never

Put my glasses back on.

————-

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

—————-

I was the new teacher for the toddler-age Sunday school class, which included my 14-month-old daughter. During a lesson on creation, I’d ask questions like, “Who made the trees?” or “Who made the sun?” and the children would respond, “God did.” I was pleased the children learned quickly that God made everything.

Teaching lessons at home was more of a challenge. I had tried hard to teach my daughter to pick up her toys, and she wasn’t learning very quickly. One day I walked into the living room to find toys scattered everywhere. In exasperation I asked, “Who made this mess?” My daughter looked at me with a proud smile and said, “God did!”

——————-

In today’s politically correct environment where you have to be so careful to keep from offending anyone, we might all have to give reports like this fourth grader who reported on the origins of the Thanksgiving holiday. “The pilgrims came here seeking freedom of you know what. When they landed, they gave thanks to you know who. Because of them, we can worship each Sunday, you know where.”

—————-

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retired and they moved to Florida.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retirement and says I should work hard so I can be retired some day, too. when I earn my retirement I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”

——————-

In a restroom at IBM’s Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it:

“THINK”!

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read:

“THOAP!”

Humor #63

While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye.

“Do you think Daddy would like this?” I asked the kids, as I pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.

“No way,” my horrified six-year-old son replied. “Daddy would NEVER wear that!”

———————

When I was young, my family was really poor.

Everything I wore – socks, blouses, even handkerchiefs – had been darned over and over by my mother.

I wasn’t the smartest or the prettiest, but I sure was the best darned kid in the neighborhood!

———————–

An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a catalog company: “Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”

In a short time he received the following reply: “Please send check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.”

——————–

Two hunters got lost in the woods. The first hunter said, “Don’t worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.”

So they shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again; still no response.

Finally the second hunter said, “I suppose we can try again, but it better work this time. We’re down to our last three arrows.”

——————-

The little boy came home from his first day at Sunday School. He told his mother that his Sunday school teacher was Jesus’ granny.

“How did you reach that conclusion?” his mother asked.

“Well, she never stops talking about Jesus,” he replied.

—————–

“So, how are you getting along with your gorgeous new girlfriend?”

“Not so good. I asked her whether she could learn to love me.”

“Yeah — and?”

“She asked how much I was willing to spend on her education.”

—————-

“Before you criticize someone, make sure you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, you’re a mile away AND you have their shoes!”

Humor #62

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth..’ (This one is my favorite)

—–

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

—–

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

—–

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

—–

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

—–

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

—–

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… ”

—–

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

—–

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

—–

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

—–

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!