Humor #65

Clean Puns

“When the clock factory caught fire, second hand smoke was everywhere.”“When they finish a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.”

“It was an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.”

“I forgot most of what I came to the store to buy,” Tom said listlessly.”
“Don’t bother me; I’m living happily ever after.”
“Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.”
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One Liners

“I don’t know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?”

“You know you’re getting old when you wonder what you’d feel like if you weren’t taking vitamins.”

“Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.”

“I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush; I’m going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.”

“Sleep is just an escape for those who cannot handle the hallucinations of insomnia.”

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Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local joint. I wanted hot sauce, Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table.

“We need three,” I insisted. “Which one is this?”

“All of them,” she replied. “You want hot, put more on.”

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My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said My Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

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The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children’s Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.

Now, a decade or so later, the old lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old Family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.

Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.

Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child’s questions in terms she could understand; but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry: “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?”

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Any argument that a man and a woman are involved in, the
woman gets the last word.

Anything a man says afterwords is the beginning of a new
argument.

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A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he’d like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, “Well, we haven’t seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter.”

The wife shrieked, “There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?”

The ranger replied, “Well, that’s easy — see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it’s a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it’s a grizzly.”

The motel room was quite nice.

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My wife asked me this morning, “Whacha doin’ today?”

I said, “Nothing.”

She said, “That’s what you did yesterday.”

I said, “I wasn’t finished.”

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The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a “contract” for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.

The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully, “At least that other librarian we had could write.”

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