Humor #68

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “You know, I’ve lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I’m tired of looking for her!”

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When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.

One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, “It’s the piggy that ate roast beef.”

——————-

When the pastor of a conservative small-town congregation received the gift of a white suit from a friend, he was a bit reluctant to wear it. But since it was so attractive and a perfect fit, he decided to put it on one warm Sunday. As he was leaving for church, he asked his wife what she thought of his attire. After giving him the once-over, she replied, “It depends. Are you going to preach or sell chicken?”

——————-

This is a little story about four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that
because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought that Anybody could do it,
but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief.

“What’s the matter?” I asked him.

“Uh, nothing,” he replied, “I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch.”

—–

While discussing the plight of Driver’s license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.

The examiner asked her, “Could you get a little closer?”

Instead of moving the car, she slid over.

————-

CleanPuns

Did you hear about the elevator operator who rode to the basement to pick up Dracula? He went down for the Count.

Freud had a bicycle as a child, and he often took it apart, as he was very interested in what made it work.
Thus began his interest in cycle analysis.

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.
It was the pair on the ground.

Did you hear about the pet store whose canaries were constantly flying and never landed?
They gave them away for free. After all, we’re all familiar with “no perches necessary.”

What do you call a movie made by a con-artist that is very interesting?
A con-flick of interest!

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