Humor #76

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor for to get an appointment.

When he was told the scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, “Three weeks? The doctor can’t see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!”

Calmly, the receptionist replied, “If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?”

—–

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ Mother’s name?”

One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ Father’s name was?”

Another child said, “The Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The little one said, “Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge ‘n’ Mary.”

—–

The first line of the notice said, “Please Take Notice,” so I took it.

—–

Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, “You’re not going to let him hold the baby, are you?”

—–

Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.

“Mom, can I please change my name right now?” he asked.

“But why would you want to do that?” replied his mom.

“Because Dad said he’s going to spank me as sure as my name’s Benjamin!”

—–

The Irish Pope

What’s in a name… There once were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year, Timothy was born in Ireland and Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?” After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

“We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.

—–

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.

“There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,” said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. “Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.”

“That’s nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,” declared Mrs. Jones proudly. “Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.”

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. “Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody.”

“So what does she do?” asked the two women, turning to her.

“Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour just to talk about me!”

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Changes

It has been a long time since I posted to this category. I have finished the other web site and have been primarily posting Humor for quite a while.

So I decided to delete the previous posts in this category. I started out with a prayer for help. I acknowledge I did get help through God’s grace to be patient and learn as I went along. Thank You, Jesus, for that.

I have deleted the other posts in this category and this will be the only one. I am also deleting the page I used for experiments.

WordPress still can be a bit exasperating at times. But I just need to rely on the grace of God to be patient instead of flying off the handle (doing that never really worked for me).

The site I was working on can be seen at www.mikefaast.com. Mike Faast has bluegrass, western and jazz bands. Take look and listen to some samples of his music. I continue to work on it.

Humor #75

Kids and Clichés

As a fun assignment, a fourth grade teacher  gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what the students submitted.

The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

A rolling stone plays the guitar.

The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

A bird in the hand is a real mess.

No news is no newspaper.

It’s better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

It’s always darkest just before I open my eyes.

You have nothing to fear but homework.

If you can’t stand the heat, don’t start the fireplace.

If you can’t stand the heat, go swimming.

Never put off ’til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

We have nothing to fear but our principal.

To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.

I think, therefore I get a headache.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, “Shut up!”

Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

It’s always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

There is nothing new under the bed.

The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

Don’t count your chickens — it takes too long.

Jesus gave Himself…

Recently the phrase “gave Himself” captivated me, concerning Jesus’ giving Himself for us. So  I did a word search for the phrase and came up with the following points and verses.

Jesus gave Himself…

…for our sins, that He might deliver us from this present evil age

  • Gal 1:3-5 —  Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ, 4 who gave Himself for our sins, that He might deliver us from this present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father, 5 to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. (NKJV)

…for me (He loved me and gave Himself for me)

  • Gal 2:20-21 —  I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (NKJV)

…for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God

  • Eph 5:1-2 —  Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma. (NKJV)
    • Eph 5:2 — He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us… (NLT)

…for His Church, that He might sanctify and cleanse her and present her to Himself holy without blemish

  • Eph 5:25-28 —  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. (NKJV)
    • Eph 5:25-26 — …Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her… (NLT)

…a ransom for all, to purchase freedom for everyone

  • 1 Tim 2:5-7 —  For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, 6 who gave Himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time, (NKJV)
    • 1 Tim 2:6 — He gave his life to purchase freedom for everyone. (NTL)

…for us, that He might redeem and purify us for Himself

  • Titus 2:11-14 —  For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, 12 teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, 13 looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself His own special people, zealous for good works. (NKJV)
    • Titus 2:14 — 14 He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people… (NLT)

In conclusion, “God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16 NLT) And Jesus loved us so much that He gave up His life for us that we might have life in Him.

Have you given Him your life by trusting His finished work of salvation?

Humor #74

CleanPuns

A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn’t its real name – just a pen name.

“A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.”

Child to his father: “I heard the pastor say that he studies words with a Greek leprechaun!”

“Clothes don’t necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.”

—–

A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.

As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, “Okay God! Let’er go!”

—–

At his 103rd birthday party, a grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

“I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”

—–

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.

She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?”

A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”

—–

The story is told of a shoplifter who writes to a department store and says, “I’ve just become a Christian, and I can’t sleep at night because I feel guilty. So here’s $100 that I owe you.”

Then he signs his name, and in a little postscript at the bottom he adds, “If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send you the rest.”

—–

Every morning, a little girl would go in the bathroom to watch Mommy as she was putting on her makeup to go to work.

But this certain morning when Mom turned to leave the bathroom, the little girl loudly said, “Mom, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!”

—–

Maury and his wife showed up to a very popular restaurant, but it was very crowded. Mrs. Maury went up to the hostess and asked, “Will it be long?”

The hostess appeared to ignore her and kept writing in her book. So she asked again, “How much of a wait?”

The hostess then looked up and said, “About ten minutes.”

A short time later they heard an announcement over the loudspeaker, “Willete B. Long, your table is ready.”

—–

A little girl was observed by her pastor standing outside the pre-school Sunday School classroom between Sunday School and worship, waiting for her parents to come and pick her up for “big church.” The pastor noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, “Jonah and the Whale.”

Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation. “What’s that you have in your hand?”, he asked.

“This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale,” she answered.

“Tell me something, little girl,” he continued, “do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?”

The little girl implored, “Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!”

He inquired further, “You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK? You really believe all that can be true?”

She declared, “Absolutely, this story is in the Bible and we studied about it in Sunday School today!”

Then the pastor asked, “Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?”

She thought for a moment and then said, “Well, when I get to Heaven, I’ll ask Jonah.”

The pastor then asked, “Well, what if Jonah’s not in Heaven?”

She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, “Then YOU can ask him!”

Humor #73

“I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone ‘hands free’ – now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive.”

—–

The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse than what was being done at that time.

In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.

They believed that: “Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus.”

—–

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.

They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.

In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying “Much love, Mom.”

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse:

“Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?”

—–

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. ‘Lead us not into temptation.'”

—–

After years of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball went to the circus owner and told him he was going to retire.

“But you can’t!” shouted the cigar-chomping boss. “Where am I going to find a man of your caliber?”

As it turned out, the human cannonball who replaced him was hired and fired the same night.

—–

Anthony, my four-year-old grandson, was excited about the story he had learned at Christian day school. “Grandma,” he said enthusiastically, “it’s about a woman God told not to look back.”

“You mean Lot’s wife?” I asked.

“Yes,” Anthony’s face brightened. “And you know what? She looked back and turned into the Statue of Liberty!”

—–

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago.

On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home.

“Mr. Katz, I’m asking you, as the oldest member of the community,” said the rabbi, “what is our synagogue’s custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?”

“Why do you ask?” asked Mr. Katz.

“Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down… ”

“That,” said the old man, “is our custom.”

 —–

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, “How much is half-and-half?”

Without a moment’s hesitation the other cashier replied, “One.”

Humor #72

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

—–

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, “That’s OK, it’s in coupon heaven now.”

“Coupon heaven?” the checker said.

“Yes,” the woman said, “That’s where coupons go when they die.”

“Only the redeemed ones!” said the checker.

—–

I’m Smart

My dad gave me one dollar bill

‘Cause I’m his smartest son,

And I swapped it for two shiny quarters

‘Cause two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters

And traded them to Lou

For three dimes–I guess he didn’t know

That three is more than two!

Just then, along came old blind Bates

And just ’cause he can’t see

He gave me four nickels for my three dimes,

And four is more than three!

And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs

Down at the seed-feed store,

And the fool gave me five pennies for them,

And five is more than four!

And I went and showed my dad,

And he got red in the cheeks

And closed his eyes and shook his head–

Too proud of me to speak!

—–

A young boy called the pastor of a local “corner” church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.

The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road.

So the pastor asked, “Shouldn’t you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?”

The young boy replied, “Yeah, but we didn’t want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that Mom has.”

—–

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a sightseeing boat to Alcatraz Prison. The children weren’t good at waiting: they fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

“Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.”

—–

“When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.”

—–

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, “What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?”

Expecting to see “the D-Day invasion” as the answer, I found instead on one paper, “Moses and the plague of frogs.”

—–

“People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that just makes me sick.” ~Paul Larson

—–

Two horses were galloping along when one stumbled and landed on its side.

After a number of tries the tumbled equine finally regained his footing, but when he tried to run to catch up to his buddy he found he couldn’t even trot.

Calling after his friend he neighed, “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!”