Humor #70

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Ass

Iron in the Arteries

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth.

—–

My wife asked me this morning, “Whacha doin’ today?”

I said, “Nothing.”

She said, “That’s what you did yesterday.”

I said, “I wasn’t finished.”

—–

The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a “contract” for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.

The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully, “At least that other librarian we had could write.”

—–

In my senior year of ministerial studies, I preached part-time in a small local church. Six months passed and none of my professors had come to hear me. Finally, my faculty advisor agreed to attend one Sunday.

After the service, he shook my hand and said, “That was a very warm sermon.”

My delight was short-lived as he continued. “You know what the definition of warm is, don’t you?” he asked.

Before I could respond, he answered, “Not so hot.”

—–

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, “That’s interesting. How do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied the girl.

You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

—–

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best! Football FINALLY makes sense………..

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

‘Oh, I really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.’

Dumbfounded, her date asked, ‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like…..Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

—–

While practicing autorotations during military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up the landing and landed on its tail rotor.

The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place…

Tower: “Sir, do you need any assistance?”

Cobra: “I don’t know, Tower, we ain’t done crashin’ yet.”

—–

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

“All you have to do” she told her class “is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step and turn around.”

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