Humor #71

 

On their way home from attending an church service, little Johnny asked his mother, “Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust like the minister said tonight?”

“Yes, darling,” his mother answered.

“And is it true that we go back to dust again when we die?”

“Yes, dear,” his mother replied.

“Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I saw someone who is either coming or going!”

—–

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply.

—–

Many years ago, when my 9 year old daughter was 3, we went to our usual Sunday morning church service. We were seated and waiting for the service to begin, when this woman walked by us in a really bright, gaudy dress. My husband, who never says anything about anyone, even made a comment about how “loud” the dress was.

After the service was over, we were standing outside the church chatting with another couple. I couldn’t see my daughter and then I noticed her standing right next to (practically on top of) the woman with the dress. When I asked her what she was doing, she said “I’m trying to hear this dress mom. Dad said it was really loud, but I haven’t heard it make a peep yet.”

Everyone within earshot, with the exception of my husband and the woman in the dress burst out laughing. My husband wanted to crawl in a hole, and I have to say I never saw that particular dress worn again.

—–

Two keys hang in an undertaker’s office – one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.

Two small signs above the keys read “Hymn” and “Hearse.”

—–

“Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.”

—–

Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, “Esther, we will keep you in our prayers.”

“Just wash the dishes in the kitchen,” the ailing woman said. “I can do my own praying.”

—–

A motorist collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the police report were:

Q – What warning was given by you?

A – Horn.

Q – What warning was given by the other party?

A – Moo.

—–

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

—–

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: “Da-ad…”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”

“No, you had your chance. Lights out.”

Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?”

“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!”

Five minutes later: “Daaaa-aaaad…”

“WHAT!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

—–

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, “Whack, oops!”

A bad skydiver goes, “Oops, whack!”

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