Humor #74

CleanPuns

A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn’t its real name – just a pen name.

“A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.”

Child to his father: “I heard the pastor say that he studies words with a Greek leprechaun!”

“Clothes don’t necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.”

—–

A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.

As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, “Okay God! Let’er go!”

—–

At his 103rd birthday party, a grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

“I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”

—–

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.

She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?”

A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”

—–

The story is told of a shoplifter who writes to a department store and says, “I’ve just become a Christian, and I can’t sleep at night because I feel guilty. So here’s $100 that I owe you.”

Then he signs his name, and in a little postscript at the bottom he adds, “If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send you the rest.”

—–

Every morning, a little girl would go in the bathroom to watch Mommy as she was putting on her makeup to go to work.

But this certain morning when Mom turned to leave the bathroom, the little girl loudly said, “Mom, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!”

—–

Maury and his wife showed up to a very popular restaurant, but it was very crowded. Mrs. Maury went up to the hostess and asked, “Will it be long?”

The hostess appeared to ignore her and kept writing in her book. So she asked again, “How much of a wait?”

The hostess then looked up and said, “About ten minutes.”

A short time later they heard an announcement over the loudspeaker, “Willete B. Long, your table is ready.”

—–

A little girl was observed by her pastor standing outside the pre-school Sunday School classroom between Sunday School and worship, waiting for her parents to come and pick her up for “big church.” The pastor noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, “Jonah and the Whale.”

Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation. “What’s that you have in your hand?”, he asked.

“This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale,” she answered.

“Tell me something, little girl,” he continued, “do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?”

The little girl implored, “Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!”

He inquired further, “You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK? You really believe all that can be true?”

She declared, “Absolutely, this story is in the Bible and we studied about it in Sunday School today!”

Then the pastor asked, “Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?”

She thought for a moment and then said, “Well, when I get to Heaven, I’ll ask Jonah.”

The pastor then asked, “Well, what if Jonah’s not in Heaven?”

She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, “Then YOU can ask him!”

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