Humor #84

 “Kids on the Bible”

 The statements below are said to have been written by actual students, that they are genuine and NOT retouched or corrected:

 – Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

 – The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.

 – The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

 – The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

 – The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

 – The epistles were wives of the apostles.

 – The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

 – Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 – Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

 – One of the opposums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

 

Humor #83

The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage.

 “When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I never have this problem!”

 She smiled and said, “Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

 —–

 An elderly couple are attending a church service.

 About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

 It says, “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”

 He scribbles back, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

 —–

 A burglar who needed money to pay his income taxes decided to rob the safe in a store.

 On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.”

 He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

 As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, “My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.”

 —–

  I finally figured out why I am so “full-figured”!

 As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says “for extra volume and body”! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

 Tomorrow I am going to start using “Dawn” dish soap! It says right on the bottle, “dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove”.

 It pays to read the warning labels my friends.

 —–

 “People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick.”

 —–

 A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They held up the sign to each passing car.

 “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

 “Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”

 —–

 A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life…”

 “What’s wrong with that, Johnny?” the pastor asked.

 “Well,” answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time.”

 —–

 A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

 After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

 For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

 “Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

 Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

 —–

 “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” ~ Mark Twain

 —–

 This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

 A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

 A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

 The wife asks him, “Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

 He replied, “They had eggs.”

 —–

 Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

 “What’s wrong Molly?” she asked.

 Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

 Surprised, Sarah said, “Hurray! I didn’t even know you were pregnant!”

 “I’m not,” the harried middle-aged mother replied.

 “I’m just sick of mornings.”

Humor #82

 During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program’s prepared-food products.

 She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets.

 The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, “They’re even better when you spread peanut butter on them!”

 —–

 A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.

 A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn’t believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

 “Cartwheels,” Gregory answered.

 —–

 Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, “Are you eating your little sister’s grapes?” I demanded.

 “No,” she innocently replied, “I’m helping her share.”

 —–

  Clean Puns

 “Trousers: an unusual word. Singular at the top; plural at the bottom.”

 

 Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It’s called On & On Anon.

 

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.

He told me to quit going to those places.

 —–

 One Liners

 “If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!”

 “The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.”

 “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.”

 —–

 “E-Parenting”

 Debbie wasn’t home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend’s phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbie’s computer and saw a list of email addresses.

 She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was.

 Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies all saying that she wasn’t to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at their house and had neglected to telephone.

 —–

 Although our daughter Beverly went to nursery school, she felt a little jealous that her older sister could read. One day Beverly asked Grandpa if he would like to hear her read. Picking up her Bible she began, “And Jesus said, ‘Little pig, little pig, let me come in.'”

 —–

 The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.

 Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!” 

Humor #81

 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”

 “Look in your underwear, Grandma! ,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four.”

  —–

 A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

 The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

 “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?”

 “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change “y” to “i” and add ‘es’.”

  —–

 Subject: Children’s Logic:

 Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher.

 The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

 The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

 “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

  —–

 A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?”

 Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV – “The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”

  —–

 Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie’s picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

 “The flight to Egypt.” said Jimmy.

 “I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus,” Ms Susie said. But who’s the fourth person?”

 “Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot.”

  —–

 A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

 “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

 “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

 A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs”, she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

 —–

 Groaner: Emergency Kit

 Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled “Emergency Repair Kit.” Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

 Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

 She said, “It’s part of my emergency repair kit.”

 Josh said, “I can see that, but why?”

 Sally replied, “In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires.”

 —–

 Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the door glass.

 Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register.

 He asked the store’s owner “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

 “Yep,” the proprietor answered, “That’s him.”

 The stranger couldn’t help being amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me,” he chuckled. “Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?”

 “Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.” 

Humor #80

 After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

 As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

  —–

 A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

 The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

  —–

 My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”!

 I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

  —–

 A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked.

 “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

  —–

 I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

 At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”

  —–

 A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor’s wife.”

  —–

 Our five-year-old son Mark couldn’t wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.” The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.

 In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, “What caused the submarine to sink?”

 With a look of incredulity Mark replied, “Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!”

  —–

 When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

 

Humor #79

 “You are not a kid anymore when you are obsessed with the thermostat.”
~Jeff Foxworthy

 Aging . . .

 ~ Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

 ~ There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

 ~ You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

 ~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun–and fun is a lot more work.

 ~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

~ You know you’re getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

 ~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

 ~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

 ~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

 ~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

 ~ You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

 ~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

 ~ You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

 ~ You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

 ~ The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

 ~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

 ~ It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

 ~ You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

 ~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

 ~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

 ~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can’t remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down

Humor #78

CleanPun – King Arthur’s Unknown Knights

It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:

~ Sir Face – the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight

~ Sir Pass – Arthur’s best knight of all

~ Sir Port – A great help to all the other knights

~ Sir Culation – A knight who got around a bit – popular at parties

~ Sir Prise – the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected

~ Sir Vey – a watchful knight

~ Sir Monise – a rather long-winded and droning knight, but a good, moral sort

~ Sir Cuitous – a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way

~ Sir Pose – a knight who stands by wild predictions

~ Sir Cumflex – a knight with a strange accent

~ Sir Cumvent – the evasive knight

~ Sir Reen – a calm and cheerful knight

~ Sir Spicious – a paranoid knight

~ Sir Real – a vague and insubstantial knight

~ Sir Cumstances – a knight whose fault it never was

Then there were the non-identical twins – Winter Solstice and Summer Solstice – the longest and shortest knights.