Humor #79

 “You are not a kid anymore when you are obsessed with the thermostat.”
~Jeff Foxworthy

 Aging . . .

 ~ Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

 ~ There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

 ~ You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

 ~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun–and fun is a lot more work.

 ~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

~ You know you’re getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

 ~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

 ~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

 ~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

 ~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

 ~ You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

 ~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

 ~ You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

 ~ You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

 ~ The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

 ~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

 ~ It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

 ~ You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

 ~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

 ~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

 ~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can’t remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down