Humor #82

 During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program’s prepared-food products.

 She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets.

 The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, “They’re even better when you spread peanut butter on them!”

 —–

 A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.

 A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn’t believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

 “Cartwheels,” Gregory answered.

 —–

 Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, “Are you eating your little sister’s grapes?” I demanded.

 “No,” she innocently replied, “I’m helping her share.”

 —–

  Clean Puns

 “Trousers: an unusual word. Singular at the top; plural at the bottom.”

 

 Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It’s called On & On Anon.

 

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.

He told me to quit going to those places.

 —–

 One Liners

 “If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!”

 “The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.”

 “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.”

 —–

 “E-Parenting”

 Debbie wasn’t home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend’s phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbie’s computer and saw a list of email addresses.

 She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was.

 Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies all saying that she wasn’t to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at their house and had neglected to telephone.

 —–

 Although our daughter Beverly went to nursery school, she felt a little jealous that her older sister could read. One day Beverly asked Grandpa if he would like to hear her read. Picking up her Bible she began, “And Jesus said, ‘Little pig, little pig, let me come in.'”

 —–

 The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.

 Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!” 

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