Humor #83

The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage.

 “When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I never have this problem!”

 She smiled and said, “Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

 —–

 An elderly couple are attending a church service.

 About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

 It says, “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”

 He scribbles back, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

 —–

 A burglar who needed money to pay his income taxes decided to rob the safe in a store.

 On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.”

 He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

 As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, “My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.”

 —–

  I finally figured out why I am so “full-figured”!

 As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says “for extra volume and body”! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

 Tomorrow I am going to start using “Dawn” dish soap! It says right on the bottle, “dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove”.

 It pays to read the warning labels my friends.

 —–

 “People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick.”

 —–

 A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They held up the sign to each passing car.

 “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

 “Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”

 —–

 A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life…”

 “What’s wrong with that, Johnny?” the pastor asked.

 “Well,” answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time.”

 —–

 A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

 After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

 For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

 “Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

 Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

 —–

 “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” ~ Mark Twain

 —–

 This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

 A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

 A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

 The wife asks him, “Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

 He replied, “They had eggs.”

 —–

 Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

 “What’s wrong Molly?” she asked.

 Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

 Surprised, Sarah said, “Hurray! I didn’t even know you were pregnant!”

 “I’m not,” the harried middle-aged mother replied.

 “I’m just sick of mornings.”

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