Humor #92

THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…… FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, ‘GUIDE DOGS ONLY’, THE DOGS CAN’T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

Humor #91

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN’T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs.Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing
the company money..

5.. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7.. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Sincerely

Store Management

Humor #90

“One secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can’t stand you away from the folks who are undecided.”
—–
“Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.”
—–
“To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.”
—–

Murphy’s Laws on Work

-Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
-Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail (same applies to emails, especially global emails).
-There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
-At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
-No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
-The longer the title, the less important the job.
-Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
-Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
-Success is just a matter of luck; just ask any failure.
—–
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, “Leave me alone!”
They both jumped back, silenced. “What the . . . ” the teacher said.
I typed, “I said leave me alone!”
The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: “Don’t touch me!”
Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”
Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
—–
A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read, “Don’t Waste Food — Food will win the war.”

Beneath someone had written, “That’s fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?”
—–
“I need a raise,” the man said to his boss. “There are three
other companies after me.”

“Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are
after you?”

“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas
company.”
—–
One of the world’s most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers.

They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

After laying the captain’s body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:

‘Port: Left, Starboard: Right.’

Humor #89

Senior Texting Codes

Because more and more seniors are texting and tweeting, there is a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code.)  If you have reached the magical golden number of 50 or above you qualify and these are the codes for you.

ATD:  At The Doctor’s

BFF:  Best Friend Fell

BTW:  Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT:  Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM:  Covered By Medicare

CUATSC:  See You At The Senior Center

DWI:  Driving While Incontinent

FWB:  Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW:  Forgot Where I Was

FYI:  Found Your Insulin

GGPBL:  Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA:  Got Heartburn Again

HGBM:  Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO:  Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO:  Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL:  Living On Lipitor

OMMR:  On My Massage Recliner

OMSG:  Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL…CGU:  Rolling On The Floor Laughing…And Can’t Get Up

SGGP:  Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL:  Talk To You Louder

WAITT:  Who Am I Talking To?

WTP:  Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO:  Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

Humor #88

“Top Ten Employee Rules”

1) If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

2) If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

3) Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5) Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

6) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

7) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

8) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

9) Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

10) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

God is Patient

God is Patient That We Will Come To Him That He Might Be Gracious Unto Us

2 Kings 13:22 (NKJV)
But the Lord was gracious to Israel, had compassion on them, and regarded them, because of His covenant with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and would not yet destroy them or cast them from His presence.

2 Peter 3:9 (NKJV)
The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

Isaiah 30:18 (NLT)
So the Lord must wait for you to come to him
so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
Blessed are those who wait for his help.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (NKJV)
Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.

Joel 2:32 (NKJV)
And it shall come to pass That whoever calls on the name of the Lord Shall be saved.

Have you called on the Name of Jesus that you might be saved and have new life in Him?

If you have, are you growing in the knowledge of God, our Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ, our Savior, that He may lavish more grace and peace on you? (1 Peter 1:2)

Humor #87

Subject: Charting 101

Actual writings from hospital charts (or so they say):

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.