Humor #90

“One secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can’t stand you away from the folks who are undecided.”
—–
“Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.”
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“To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.”
—–

Murphy’s Laws on Work

-Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
-Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail (same applies to emails, especially global emails).
-There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
-At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
-No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
-The longer the title, the less important the job.
-Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
-Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
-Success is just a matter of luck; just ask any failure.
—–
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, “Leave me alone!”
They both jumped back, silenced. “What the . . . ” the teacher said.
I typed, “I said leave me alone!”
The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: “Don’t touch me!”
Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”
Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
—–
A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read, “Don’t Waste Food — Food will win the war.”

Beneath someone had written, “That’s fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?”
—–
“I need a raise,” the man said to his boss. “There are three
other companies after me.”

“Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are
after you?”

“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas
company.”
—–
One of the world’s most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers.

They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

After laying the captain’s body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:

‘Port: Left, Starboard: Right.’

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