Humor #98

Turkey Day Humor

“The difference between chickens and turkeys is that chicken’s celebrate Thanksgiving!!”

———–

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

————

Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”

“Oh yeah?” her young grandson replied. “So why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

———–

What does a turkey say?

->”Gobble, gobble, gobble,” right?

Not always!

A jewelry-lovin’ turkey?

-> “Bauble bauble bauble”

A dyslexic turkey say?

-> “Boggle boggle boggle”

A turkey in the shoe repair shop say?

-> “Cobble cobble cobble”

A turkey with a sore leg say?

-> “Hobble hobble hobble.”

A football turkey say?

-> “Huddle, huddle, huddle”

A dieting turkey:

-> “Nibble, nibble nibble.”

A turkey who argues a lot:

-> “Squabble squabble squabble.”

What does Dr. Seuss’ turkey say?

-> “Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle wobble hobble gobble.”

Then there was the dizzy Turkey who just went:

-> “Wobble wobble wobble!”

Humor #97

 

 

“The Rules of Bureaucracy”

 

1. Preserve thyself.

 

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

 

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

 

4. Information deteriorates upward.

 

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

 

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

 

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

 

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

 

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

 

10. There’s never enough time to do it right, but there’s always enough time to do it over.

 

11. To get the bureaucratic juices flowing, create a form.

 

12. Paperwork is the lubricant of bureaucracy – create another form.

Humor #96

 

“Science Quotes from Kids – Part 2”

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.

~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.

~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Humor #95

“Science Quotes from Kids – Part 1”

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

Humor #94

 

SERENITY

 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

‘And what do you think is the best thing

about being 104?’ the reporter asked…

She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

—–

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

—–

I’ve sure gotten old!

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;  hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

—–

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

—–

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’

‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’

—–

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

—–

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

—–

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

—–

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

—–

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.

—–

Always Remember This:

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow Old because you stop laughing.

Humor #93

 

Political Correctness For Kids

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.”

Kids don’t get in trouble anymore.  They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

No one’s tall anymore.  They’re “vertically enhanced.”

You’re not shy.  You’re “conversationally selective.”

You don’t talk a lot.  You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

It’s not called gossip anymore.  It’s “transmission of near-factual information.”

The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful.  It’s “digestively challenged.”

Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”

You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

You weren’t passing notes in class.  You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”

You’re not being sent to the principal’s office.  You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.