Humor #99

Mrs. Frobisher and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?”

“How do you mean, change her mind?” asked Mrs. Frobisher.

“Well,” said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

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Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.

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During a recent visit with my parents, my two-year-old daughter, Kylee, sat at the kitchen table eating her lunch. My mom joined her, closed her eyes, and bowed her head to say a silent prayer for her food. Kylee watched inquisitively. As my mom raised her head and opened her eyes, Kylee asked, “Nana, did you have a nice nap?”

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“I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV.”

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“I heard that the New Orleans football team has a new sponsor, “I Can’t Believe it’s not Butter.” Their theme song will be, “When the Saints Go Margarine.”

~Gary Hallock

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Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. She took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.

The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk, trying to console her, said, “Don’t worry. Someday your prints will come.”

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Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers.

One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine.

When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, “Maybe next time you will do butter.”

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We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. “If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”

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The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.

“I don’t know how to thank you, doctor,” his mother started.

“I’m not a doctor,” the man replied. “I’m from the IRS.”

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A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: “There are no swear words in the Cherokee language.”

One boy raised his hand, “But what if you’re hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?”

“That,” the man answered, “is when we use your language.”

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