Humor #104

The other night, three-year-old Billy was showing the terra cotta nativity scene in his living room to his stuffed dragon.

“This is an activity scene,” he said to the dragon.

“It’s when they put breakable things out to watch the Baby Jesus sleep.”

—–

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What Denomination?” Asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman.

“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.

—–

There were two goobers who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,

“I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

—–

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.

In each card she wrote, “Buy your own present” and then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk!

Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with “Buy your own present” written inside, but without the checks!

—–

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”

He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”

—–

In a small southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

Snowman The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”

—–

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

Christmas Santa
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“Thats still quite a bit,” Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

—–

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
Christmas Santa
The Pastor said to him, ‘You need to join the Army of the Lord!’

Jack replied, ‘I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.’

Pastor questioned, ‘How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?’

He whispered back, ‘I’m in the secret service.’

—–

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don’t exist!

—–

This guy goes into his dentist’s office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?” “Well… the only thing I can think of is this… my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it… Hollandaise sauce she called it… and doctor, I’m talkin’ DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything… meat, fish, toast, vegetables… you name it!” “That’s probabably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.” “Why chrome?” the man asked. “Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

—–

Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited … and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

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