Humor #113

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

“How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

—–

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

—–

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

—–

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.  She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story  it was meant to represent.  The Flight to Egypt, was his reply.  Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus, But who is the fourth person?”

Oh, that’s Pontius-the pilot.

—–

The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”

“No sir,” little Johnny replies,  “I don’t have to.  My Mom is a good cook.”

—–

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce,  “I descend into hell!”  A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.  The play was well received.

When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.  When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck.  No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:  “Hallelujah!  Hell is full!”

—–

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship  service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.  About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over  and whispered, ‘If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!’

It worked.”

—–

This is the best one. A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.  She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh,” she paused, “grandpa, did God make me too?”

“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better, isn’t he?”

Humor #112

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he    said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

His Mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to    church. (1) You’re 59 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”

 

—–

 

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest    teased the rabbi. “You really ought try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing.  You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

 

—–

 

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please,” she answered. “You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No.” he said. “I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked

“No.” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

 

—–

 

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”

The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”

The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am    Methodist, and this is a casserole.”

 

—–

 

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the    country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the    Caribbean.”

“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!” “So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church…”

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

 

—–

 

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy  replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'”

 

—–

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”  “Sixteen,” the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.  “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:  4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

 

—–

 

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen.”

 

—–

 

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service:

“And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash

against us.”

Humor #111

Some more reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Humor #110

Don’t Mess with Mom

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He’d decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

“Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today,
The “Children’s Bill of Rights.”

It says I need not clean my room,
don’t have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head,
and I sure don’t have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.

And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with the crime.
I’ll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don’t you ever touch me,
my body’s only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that’s just more child abuse.

Don’t preach about your morals,
like your mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
And it’s illegal too!

Mom, I have these children’s rights,
so you can’t influence me,
or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
better known as C.S.D. ”

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door
But the chance to teach a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he’s messing with a pro.

The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store
I told him, “Pick out all you want,
there’s shirts & pants galore.

I’ve called and checked with C.S.D.,
who said they didn’t care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

And I’ve canceled that appointment
to take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I’ll decide what’s best. ”

I said “No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save that raging appetite,
and wait ’til dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.

He asked “Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?”
“Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you’ll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof above your head.

Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
and I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I’m selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the “Parent’s Bill of Rights”,
It’s in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D.?

Humor #109

Oxymorons: Two words or phrases that have opposite meanings.

– Act naturally

– Found missing

– Resident alien

– Advanced BASIC

– Genuine imitation

– Airline Food

– Good grief

– Same difference

– Almost exactly

– Terribly pleased

– Sanitary landfill

– Alone together

– Legally drunk

– Silent scream

– Living dead

– Government organization

Humor #108

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first…

But then I think,
Since I’m going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking. 

I’m going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
But I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed,
The bills aren’t paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don’t have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Humor #107

Political Correctness For Kids

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.”

Kids don’t get in trouble anymore.  They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

No one’s tall anymore.  They’re “vertically enhanced.”

You’re not shy.  You’re “conversationally selective.”

You don’t talk a lot.  You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

It’s not called gossip anymore.  It’s “transmission of near-factual information.”

The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful.  It’s “digestively challenged.”

Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”

You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

You weren’t passing notes in class.  You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”

You’re not being sent to the principal’s office.  You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.