Humor #112

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he    said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

His Mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to    church. (1) You’re 59 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”

 

—–

 

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest    teased the rabbi. “You really ought try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing.  You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

 

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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please,” she answered. “You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No.” he said. “I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked

“No.” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

 

—–

 

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”

The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”

The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am    Methodist, and this is a casserole.”

 

—–

 

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the    country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the    Caribbean.”

“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!” “So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church…”

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

 

—–

 

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy  replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'”

 

—–

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”  “Sixteen,” the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.  “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:  4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

 

—–

 

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen.”

 

—–

 

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service:

“And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash

against us.”

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