“I just checked the health/weight chart at the gym and it turns out that I’m four inches too short.”
In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, “The Lord be with you.” The congregation used to respond by saying, “And with thy spirit.”
But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, “The Lord be with you,” and everyone responds with, “And also with you.”
One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, “There’s something wrong with this!”
Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, “And also with you.”
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, “Man, I look like a clown.”
I had almost convinced myself that I was over-reacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.
He asked, “Are you giving out balloons?”
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget’s Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied.…
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now…
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, ” I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.
” I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…. ”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off of it’s polished surface.
Hundreds of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into pieces.
“CRAP!” cried the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center !!
Claude was never invited back.
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn’t stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
“Here’s the problem”, the Dr. said, “He needs a change.”
The father was very perplexed, “But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!”
“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. “I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”
“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher. “But you only have two ears, boy.”
“Guess I’m no good at math, either!”