Humor #128

“I just checked the health/weight chart at the gym and it turns out that I’m four inches too short.”

—–

In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, “The Lord be with you.” The congregation used to respond by saying, “And with thy spirit.”

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, “The Lord be with you,” and everyone responds with, “And also with you.”

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, “There’s something wrong with this!”

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, “And also with you.”

—–

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye.

Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, “Man, I look like a clown.”

I had almost convinced myself that I was over-reacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.

He asked, “Are you giving out balloons?”

—–

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget’s Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied.…

—–

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

—–

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, ” I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

” I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…. ”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off of it’s polished surface.

Hundreds of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into pieces.

“CRAP!” cried the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center !!

Claude was never invited back.

—–

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn’t stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

“Here’s the problem”, the Dr. said, “He needs a change.”

The father was very perplexed, “But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!”

—–

“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. “I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”

“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher. “But you only have two ears, boy.”

“Guess I’m no good at math, either!”

Humor #127

“Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.”

—–

Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

—–

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

—–

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

—–

Gary works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.”

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you….someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”

—–

“Life has become so complex that not even teenagers have all the answers anymore.”

—–

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no!” she screamed. “Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “That’s not polite behavior.” With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

—–

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s OK if you don’t know the answer.”

—–

As I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I think to myself, “This place obviously wasn’t named by a real-estate developer.”

—–

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.

He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”

The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.”

—–

Our choir had grown so large that folding chairs had been placed up to and around the pulpit. This seriously restricted our pastor, who likes to move about when preaching. One Sunday, in fact, our pastor had flung out a hand to emphasize a point—and hit a lady choir member full in the face!

The following Sunday, the pastor had just started his sermon when the congregation broke into laughter. He stood there, confused, until someone pointed to the choir behind him. He turned around, and there sat the lady he had struck the week before, calmly wearing a catcher’s mask.

—–

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked
his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I
please?”

The father answered immediately, “I just don’t know, son. No
male has ever lived that long yet.”

—–

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

—–

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

Humor #126

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said “someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

—–

A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Congress?”

“Well, no,” the tourist said, “I didn’t realize that. But it’s all right. I’ll trust you anyway.”

Humor #125

You know you’re getting there (over the hill) when…

  • Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
  • You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.
  • Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
  • Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
  • You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
  • Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
  • At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
  • Your back goes out but you stay home.
  • When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
  • It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  • When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  • When happy hour is a nap.
  • When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
  • When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
  • When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
  • When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
  • Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
  • It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
  • Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
  • The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Humor #124

Helping his wife wash the dishes, a minister protested, This isn’t a man’s job.

Oh yes, it is, his wife retorted, quoting 2 Kings 21:13:

I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down.

—–

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great- grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”

—–

A teacher said to her student, “William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?”

After a few moments, William answered, “It depends.”

“It depends on what?” she asked.

“It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”

—–

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

—–

Our choir had grown so large that folding chairs had been placed up to and around the pulpit. This seriously restricted our pastor, who likes to move about when preaching. One Sunday, in fact, our pastor had flung out a hand to emphasize a point—and hit a lady choir member full in the face!

The following Sunday, the pastor had just started his sermon when the congregation broke into laughter. He stood there, confused, until someone pointed to the choir behind him. He turned around, and there sat the lady he had struck the week before, calmly wearing a catcher’s mask.

—–

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?”

The father answered immediately, “I just don’t know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet.”

—–

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

—–

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

—–

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

—–

In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, “The Lord be with you.” The congregation used to respond by saying, “And with thy spirit.”

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, “The Lord be with you,” and everyone responds with, “And also with you.”

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, “There’s something wrong with this!”

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, “And also with you.”

—–

Humor #123

“Bacteria: They’re the only culture some people have.”

—–

“According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.”

—–

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, “What kind of boy did your daughter marry?”

“Oh, he’s wonderful,” gushed the mother. “He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night.”

“That’s sounds lovely,” said the woman. “What about your son?”

“I’m not so happy about that,” the mother sighed. “His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and makes them eat take-out meals!”

—–

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

“In English,” he explained, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up. “Yeah, right.”

—–

The kids in the neighborhood held an election. The grownups were astonished that a four-year-old had been elected president.

“That boy must be a born leader,” one dad observed. “How does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?”

“Well, you see, Dad,” one lad replied, “he cannot very well be secretary because he does not know how to write. He would not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He would never do for sergeant-at-arms because he is too little to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything, he would feel bad. So we made him president.”

—–

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common – they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.”

—–

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck’s bed. They’ll pay in food, which is exactly what I like best!

For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of Middle Eastern  flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That’s right: A pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

—–

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about believing in Jesus and going to heaven.

At the end of his talk, he asked, “Where do you want to go?”

“Heaven!” they all piped up.

“And what do you have to be to get there?”

“Dead!”, one boy yelled.

—–

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done.

One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, “Strip down facing me.”

—–

“I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.”

—–

Humor #122

Two blondes walk into a bar, and each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, “51 days! 51 days!!”

About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.

Finally, a fourth blonde walks in with what looks like a cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table and starts cheering with the others, “51 days! 51 days!!”

The bartender starts to get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, “What on earth are you doing??”

“Well,” the blonde says, “everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!”

—–

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. “He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!”

—–

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

—–

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard and down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly we realized why: we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

—–

“If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

—–

Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.

Curious, he asks the chimp, “What’s with the books?”

The chimp replies, “I’m trying to decide whether I’m my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

—–

As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.

“You’re right, Steve,” she said. “Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry.”

—–

Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store’s opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don’t open the store!”

—–

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, “Are you eating your little sister’s grapes?” I demanded.

“No,” she innocently replied, “I’m helping her share.”

—–

A crafty old mountain lion used to hang around a ranch looking for stray cattle. One day he saw a bull off by himself and managed to kill it after a mighty battle. The bull was too heavy to drag off, so the mountain lion decided to just eat as much as he could hold. He ate and ate until he just couldn’t eat any more. This made him feel really good, so he let out a big roar. That made him feel even better, so he roared again. He kept it up until the rancher came by and shot him.

Moral: When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut.